Hey y'all. My thoughts are still a little jumbled as I try and process this so here goes.
Some MAAAAJOR changes have come up.
So, I am no longer in Toronto. Le sigh. I have moved back to Orlando and, for the time being, am waiting to start school back up at Southeastern in the upcoming spring semester.
It's amazing what change a 2-sentence e-mail can bring about. A couple weeks ago, I was sleeping one night and something felt off. I had no clue why and figured it was just me getting adjusted to the food or water or something. But I couldn't shake the feeling so I woke up and checked my e-mail. And there it was. 2 sentences that changed the course of something I had been anticipating and planning for. When I read about the unfortunate (and severe) circumstance surrounding my financial aid status (and student status), I was freaking out pretty badly. I think one of the biggest things for me was the fact that if I ended up moving back home, I would have wasted a semester. Since university in Canada started in September, there was no way for me to last-minute enroll in classes at SEU. I was struggling pretty hard to come to grips with this.
Even though all I've been through wasn't a waste of time, I still hear that it is from time to time. I was actually thinking about this while eating dinner with some friends before I left TO. I'm 25, and in the last 7 or so years, I've attended 4 post-secondary institutions (UCF, Le Cordon Bleu, Southeastern, York) with a broad range of majors (psychology and military science, culinary arts, education, history), worked in the professional world, went on full-time missions for a year around the world. And yet, still living at home and pursuing a degree that I can "use". The world would look at my situation and say, "Hey. This guy had so many opportunities to use what he had and should have a steady job and be close to starting a family by now. What a waste."
But. Things are looking up. I think. Much like my previous post, I'm looking for the opportunities that God presents in the midst of this difficult time. And I think it's selfish of me to wave all my "dashed hopes and plans" at God and say, "what the junks?!" because God isn't this bully who sits back and has a good chuckle at our expense.
I have no idea why God brought me up to TO for the short time I was there. And I have no idea what God has planned for me here in Orlando for now.
But I know that it's gonna be life-changing and it's gonna be pretty awesome to see God do His thaaaaaaang through it all.
Hope this encourages all y'all, much like my friends encouraged me with reminders of these truths. thank you all y'all. you know who you are. =)
Much love.
Jon
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
wowweeeee. it's been a while since i've last updated eh? sorry y'all.
i am in TORONTO! yayyyyy. =)
i haven't had a lot of time to just sit down and reflect, process, and write down these last few months.
here goes.
so. this summer has been eventful, and yet, not. it's been a summer of opportunities.
i was honestly not looking forward to this summer. i had planned on going on another tour with CTI but due to the severe lack of funds, i had to defer. so, with this huge 1.5 month gap in my summer schedule, i was trying to get used to the fact that i would basically waste a significant portion of my time before the big move.
and yet.
God presented an incredible opportunity for me to do music ministry. far greater than i think my time with CTI this summer would have been.
since moving to orlando, i think one of the toughest things for me was to feel like i was a part of the church i was attending. don't get me wrong. i love my church family. it's just. when a group of people grow up together, they're gonna have a much easier time to relate to one another than with someone. let's say. who starts sharing life with them a good portion of time later (me). when i first started to attend church, i felt like i couldn't connect with many people. i was either too young (for the young adult crowd) or too old (for the high schoolers). i didn't know anyone. over the years, i have grown close to a lot of people. but. even with serving on the worship team and serving the youth, i felt like (probably because of my personality) i couldn't click with them. and being away for a year to serve with CTI was a year where i simply didn't have the ability to have face time with everyone.
and yet.
God had presented an opportunity for me to connect with the youth and a handful of university students through organizing and participating in raising up the next generation of worship leaders in our church.
i have to admit, i had my reservations and doubts. "what if the 'trainer/learner' relationship between the youth students makes it even harder to connect with youth?" "will my struggle with pursuing musical perfection to an obscene level cause the music trainers to get sick of me?" these were some things that ran through my mind.
but. as the training sessions went on, those fears were all for naught.
I've noticed more and more this theme of opportunities.
I think a lot of times, all I see are the obstacles or problems when I could be seeing all the opportunities that God has placed beyond those "obstacles".
Help me Lord.
Hope y'all are doing fantastic!
i am in TORONTO! yayyyyy. =)
i haven't had a lot of time to just sit down and reflect, process, and write down these last few months.
here goes.
so. this summer has been eventful, and yet, not. it's been a summer of opportunities.
i was honestly not looking forward to this summer. i had planned on going on another tour with CTI but due to the severe lack of funds, i had to defer. so, with this huge 1.5 month gap in my summer schedule, i was trying to get used to the fact that i would basically waste a significant portion of my time before the big move.
and yet.
God presented an incredible opportunity for me to do music ministry. far greater than i think my time with CTI this summer would have been.
since moving to orlando, i think one of the toughest things for me was to feel like i was a part of the church i was attending. don't get me wrong. i love my church family. it's just. when a group of people grow up together, they're gonna have a much easier time to relate to one another than with someone. let's say. who starts sharing life with them a good portion of time later (me). when i first started to attend church, i felt like i couldn't connect with many people. i was either too young (for the young adult crowd) or too old (for the high schoolers). i didn't know anyone. over the years, i have grown close to a lot of people. but. even with serving on the worship team and serving the youth, i felt like (probably because of my personality) i couldn't click with them. and being away for a year to serve with CTI was a year where i simply didn't have the ability to have face time with everyone.
and yet.
God had presented an opportunity for me to connect with the youth and a handful of university students through organizing and participating in raising up the next generation of worship leaders in our church.
i have to admit, i had my reservations and doubts. "what if the 'trainer/learner' relationship between the youth students makes it even harder to connect with youth?" "will my struggle with pursuing musical perfection to an obscene level cause the music trainers to get sick of me?" these were some things that ran through my mind.
but. as the training sessions went on, those fears were all for naught.
I've noticed more and more this theme of opportunities.
I think a lot of times, all I see are the obstacles or problems when I could be seeing all the opportunities that God has placed beyond those "obstacles".
Help me Lord.
Hope y'all are doing fantastic!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Thoughts on Osama bin Laden...
So Sunday was a real shocker. When I heard that President Obama was going to make an announcement, I figured that it would have something to do with the war on terror or extraterrestrials. Just kidding on the second part (although that would have been AWESOME.)
So when I heard about what happened and started to watch my facebook newsfeed explode with comments, I couldn't believe what I was reading.
People who were status updating earlier that day about how blessed they were at church were now writing comments like, "I hope Osama burns in hell".
It's sad that people can't understand that Osama bin Laden is as much of a sinner and in need of God's love as everyone else.
Am I saying that 9/11 was OK? No. Heck no. Was it wrong? Yes.
But. Is it right to wish someone to an eternity in hell? No.
Bin Laden was a terrorist. No doubt about it. He was a religious fanatic who saw the message that the west was spreading and wanted to murder those who spread that type of lifestyle. I read a story about another terrorist though.
So Sunday was a real shocker. When I heard that President Obama was going to make an announcement, I figured that it would have something to do with the war on terror or extraterrestrials. Just kidding on the second part (although that would have been AWESOME.)
So when I heard about what happened and started to watch my facebook newsfeed explode with comments, I couldn't believe what I was reading.
People who were status updating earlier that day about how blessed they were at church were now writing comments like, "I hope Osama burns in hell".
It's sad that people can't understand that Osama bin Laden is as much of a sinner and in need of God's love as everyone else.
Am I saying that 9/11 was OK? No. Heck no. Was it wrong? Yes.
But. Is it right to wish someone to an eternity in hell? No.
Bin Laden was a terrorist. No doubt about it. He was a religious fanatic who saw the message that the west was spreading and wanted to murder those who spread that type of lifestyle. I read a story about another terrorist though.
"A while back, there was a bearded religious extremist; a Middle Eastern terrorist who felt compelled by God to exterminate the infidels who were offending God with their ideas and beliefs. He grew up in the robes of privilege and attended one of the most prestigious educational institutes in all of the Middle East. At some point he was probably indoctrinated in some way to think that the way to deal with those who had different religious beliefs than he did was to organize and lead a campaign that would exterminate them. He went from city to city; all the while drumming up support and executing his divinely sanctioned orders. His influence was growing, he was making his point. God was pleased. Terrorism was winning.
On one most famous occasion that they still talk about, he bravely stood watch and supervised the brutal murdering of one of the more prominent infidels that had been spreading the word about some new religious ideas. When the stoning was over, him and his friends gathered outside the governor’s residence and danced the night away. They pressed up to the gate and sung songs of patriotism and religion (sometimes they couldn’t tell the difference). The children gathered around too and took mental videos and mental pictures and the local reporters stood around and recalled how this occasion would be remembered forever. A young student in his early twenties thanked God for the events of the day and even quoted a Bible verse. The veteran reporter among them guessed that such a bold and courageous and swift action of justice would bring peace and unity to those whom the new religion has uncomfortably stirred. One seventeen year old boy said to his younger sister, “sister, you will always remember where you were when this happened.” And she always did.
Not too long after, on another mission to exterminate the religious filth that resided in a neighboring city to the northeast, the religious extremist, the Middle Eastern terrorist, was following his divine orders when suddenly, while passing a large compound in the desert mountains with his family, met someone extraordinary. He was never the same after he met this person. Realizing that he had been wrong about the whole terrorism thing all along, he was sad and scared. He fell on his face and cried heavy tears of sorrow and shame and guilt. Him and his family laid down in the traditional posture of execution; waiting for the man to swing some sword to punish them for all of their wrongs, all of their murders, all of their tortures, all of their flag burning and song singing and evil. But the man did not kill the Arab terrorist. He did not even send a contact to seek him out later. In fact, the man made the terrorist the leader of his own movement of love, forgiveness, peace, and reconciliation. The terrorist followed this man the rest of his life and wrote about him all the time as well. He piled up a lot of letters and speeches and today they make up most of what people call the New Testament.
The bearded religious extremist talked about meeting God that day. A God who shook things up and showed the Earth the way things actually are. A God who talked about loving enemies. A God whose does not kill bearded terrorists, but rather changes and transforms them through scandalous love and grace. A God with a different view of justice than simply getting “even.” A God who does not dance when humans die and a God who does not “bless” those who do. A God who announces that everyone is ugly and that everyone is beautiful and that no one, not even bearded Middle Eastern terrorists, are beyond redemption."
Pretty powerful stuff eh?
Hope you're doing fantastic! Let's love those who we find unlovable, much like Christ did for us.
Quick update...
Hey guys.
So I was not able to raise enough funds in time to secure my spot as a CTI team member this summer so I will be continuing to raise funds in order to go as a team member in 2012.
As much as I wanted to go back and serve with CTI this summer, I know that God has a plan for it all and so I'm excited to see what God's gonna do as this all unfolds.
Continue to pray for me, the 5 teams that will be going out this year, and prayerfully consider supporting me for next year. Thanks!
Love y'all.
Cheers,
Jon
Hey guys.
So I was not able to raise enough funds in time to secure my spot as a CTI team member this summer so I will be continuing to raise funds in order to go as a team member in 2012.
As much as I wanted to go back and serve with CTI this summer, I know that God has a plan for it all and so I'm excited to see what God's gonna do as this all unfolds.
Continue to pray for me, the 5 teams that will be going out this year, and prayerfully consider supporting me for next year. Thanks!
Love y'all.
Cheers,
Jon
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Tornado warnings and the work of God?
Hi friends!
It's been a busy last couple weeks as I've officially started support raising for my trip with CTI Music Ministries this upcoming summer. It's been a strange mix of feeling out of control and yet OK with it as I know God has it covered.
I just wanted to share a story about something that happened last week.
So during one of my observation days at one of the local High Schools, we were abruptly interrupted by a tornado warning. As you can imagine, a hallway full of 9th graders with teachers who needed the day to get through materials for FCAT testing during a tornado warning, is not a fun place to be. Being the "go-getter" I am, I saw that the teachers could not control the 100 or so students in the hallway so I decided to take control of the situation and got them all quiet and seated.
As I was walking up and down the hallway, making sure the students were doing OK, not freaking out too much, one of the students said something that made me think. They said, "I know the tornado is pretty close to here... Are we going to die? If so, how come none of the teachers are sitting down with us?"
Without thinking, I replied, "Right now, our main concern is to make sure that all you guys are safe and well taken care of. As long as we have that in mind as the most important thing, we're not concerned about what situation we're in."
The student understood and I walked off. Then it hit me...
It made me think of the first missionaries to Africa. I remember a sermon my pastor gave a while back and he said something along the lines of, "Why is it that [they] packed up all their belongings in a coffin and sailed off? It's because they went with an understanding that they will be doing the work of God until the day they die." It got me thinking... do we approach the work of advancing the Gospel the same way?
I want to challenge all you readers (however few or many there might be) to live life in this way. Be bold for the sake of the Gospel. You never know who you might be influencing.
It's been a busy last couple weeks as I've officially started support raising for my trip with CTI Music Ministries this upcoming summer. It's been a strange mix of feeling out of control and yet OK with it as I know God has it covered.
I just wanted to share a story about something that happened last week.
So during one of my observation days at one of the local High Schools, we were abruptly interrupted by a tornado warning. As you can imagine, a hallway full of 9th graders with teachers who needed the day to get through materials for FCAT testing during a tornado warning, is not a fun place to be. Being the "go-getter" I am, I saw that the teachers could not control the 100 or so students in the hallway so I decided to take control of the situation and got them all quiet and seated.
As I was walking up and down the hallway, making sure the students were doing OK, not freaking out too much, one of the students said something that made me think. They said, "I know the tornado is pretty close to here... Are we going to die? If so, how come none of the teachers are sitting down with us?"
Without thinking, I replied, "Right now, our main concern is to make sure that all you guys are safe and well taken care of. As long as we have that in mind as the most important thing, we're not concerned about what situation we're in."
The student understood and I walked off. Then it hit me...
It made me think of the first missionaries to Africa. I remember a sermon my pastor gave a while back and he said something along the lines of, "Why is it that [they] packed up all their belongings in a coffin and sailed off? It's because they went with an understanding that they will be doing the work of God until the day they die." It got me thinking... do we approach the work of advancing the Gospel the same way?
I want to challenge all you readers (however few or many there might be) to live life in this way. Be bold for the sake of the Gospel. You never know who you might be influencing.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Hi Friends! It's been a while.
Update time...
School has been fantastic! It's been a super busy semester but God is SOOOO good and I'm thankful for all the friends and professors who have walked beside me in my pursuit of an education.
A couple weeks ago, Gungor came to Southeastern! How awesome is that. Definitely had a fail moment too when I walked right past him, not realizing who it was.
Thinking back to it, I think it's real important to reflect on what happened. So many times, we're just so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that we neglect to see people for who they are. My *first* interaction with Michael Gungor was non-existent. I was too wrapped up in something else. And by the time I realized who I had walked past, it was too late. So many times, that's how things are too, no? We walk past all of the people God has placed in our lives and we're so caught up in what we're doing... and we lose sight of all the opportunities that we have to share life with them. I want to encourage you to remember that God has placed all of those opportunities there for a reason and challenge you to take them.
In other news, I'm going back to CTI this summer! Below is a copy of my support letter... but if you would like a hard copy, feel free to let me know. I'd be more than happy to give you one. =)
This process is definitely stretching me because the practical side of me is saying that there is no human way possible to raise all of the support in time. But our God is a big and mighty God and no amount of human rationale is going to explain how He moves.
Hope your week is fantabalous!
Update time...
School has been fantastic! It's been a super busy semester but God is SOOOO good and I'm thankful for all the friends and professors who have walked beside me in my pursuit of an education.
A couple weeks ago, Gungor came to Southeastern! How awesome is that. Definitely had a fail moment too when I walked right past him, not realizing who it was.
Thinking back to it, I think it's real important to reflect on what happened. So many times, we're just so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that we neglect to see people for who they are. My *first* interaction with Michael Gungor was non-existent. I was too wrapped up in something else. And by the time I realized who I had walked past, it was too late. So many times, that's how things are too, no? We walk past all of the people God has placed in our lives and we're so caught up in what we're doing... and we lose sight of all the opportunities that we have to share life with them. I want to encourage you to remember that God has placed all of those opportunities there for a reason and challenge you to take them.
In other news, I'm going back to CTI this summer! Below is a copy of my support letter... but if you would like a hard copy, feel free to let me know. I'd be more than happy to give you one. =)
This process is definitely stretching me because the practical side of me is saying that there is no human way possible to raise all of the support in time. But our God is a big and mighty God and no amount of human rationale is going to explain how He moves.
Hope your week is fantabalous!Thursday, January 20, 2011
Hey all. Sorry about the lack of posts lately... school recently started back up and it's been hectic getting back into the swing of things! I've been doing great. SEU has been great. I'm taking a whole bunch of classes and they've been super awesome so far. Yes, the workload can be unbearable at times but I'm just thankful for the opportunity to study.
So what else is new? I'm thinking of studying in Toronto for a year! Things are still coming together and there is a whole lot of things that need to go right in order for it to happen. Each and every day though, it's become more and more of a reality. I think this whole thing has reminded me of something. And it's challenging me daily.
There's a song by Jon Foreman titled "Your Love Is Strong" and the first line of the song just jacked me up.
Heavenly Father, you always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life
Give me the food I need to live through today
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one
I look out the window the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day
So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
Invade my heart, invade this broken town
The kingdom of the Heavens is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?
Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Our God in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons
It got me thinking of this studying abroad business. I think to all those times where I'm sitting there, waiting for a meeting with important school higher-up people, going, "Oh man... what if this doesn't work?" and then when everything does work, I always go, "WOW. Praise the Lord. This is awesome."
Yes, I realize that nothing is finalized and who knows... it might not even work out in the end. But it really got me thinking of the moments where everything does work out and it's fine and dandy.
Why is it only during those times that I'm just speechless about what the Lord just did? Why am I so quick to forget of all the other times where the Lord amazes me?
I think it's because so many times, we (I) have become so calloused to seeing the Lord moving in each and every facet of life. And we've become so used to glossing over it all. "Oh we're breathing? another day? meh." Or we've become so used to looking at the problems in our lives that we forget that He is moving in ways that if we were to just stop and think about, it WOULD amaze us.
There was a sermon I listened to a little while back where my pastor said, "the problem is that we glance at God, then proceed to gaze at the problem." Is our callousness or even our lack of belief in the fact that the Lord moves in mighty ways preventing us from seeking Him and being aware of all the ways that He can amaze us?
I challenge everyone (including myself)... pray to be more aware of the Spirit and continually seek after the Lord. That way, when we can see Him move, it'll not only always amaze us... but I think it just makes God (at least in our finite, small minds) to be that much greater.
So what else is new? I'm thinking of studying in Toronto for a year! Things are still coming together and there is a whole lot of things that need to go right in order for it to happen. Each and every day though, it's become more and more of a reality. I think this whole thing has reminded me of something. And it's challenging me daily.
There's a song by Jon Foreman titled "Your Love Is Strong" and the first line of the song just jacked me up.
Heavenly Father, you always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life
Give me the food I need to live through today
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one
I look out the window the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day
So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
Invade my heart, invade this broken town
The kingdom of the Heavens is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?
Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Our God in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons
It got me thinking of this studying abroad business. I think to all those times where I'm sitting there, waiting for a meeting with important school higher-up people, going, "Oh man... what if this doesn't work?" and then when everything does work, I always go, "WOW. Praise the Lord. This is awesome."
Yes, I realize that nothing is finalized and who knows... it might not even work out in the end. But it really got me thinking of the moments where everything does work out and it's fine and dandy.
Why is it only during those times that I'm just speechless about what the Lord just did? Why am I so quick to forget of all the other times where the Lord amazes me?
I think it's because so many times, we (I) have become so calloused to seeing the Lord moving in each and every facet of life. And we've become so used to glossing over it all. "Oh we're breathing? another day? meh." Or we've become so used to looking at the problems in our lives that we forget that He is moving in ways that if we were to just stop and think about, it WOULD amaze us.
There was a sermon I listened to a little while back where my pastor said, "the problem is that we glance at God, then proceed to gaze at the problem." Is our callousness or even our lack of belief in the fact that the Lord moves in mighty ways preventing us from seeking Him and being aware of all the ways that He can amaze us?
I challenge everyone (including myself)... pray to be more aware of the Spirit and continually seek after the Lord. That way, when we can see Him move, it'll not only always amaze us... but I think it just makes God (at least in our finite, small minds) to be that much greater.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
So a couple weeks ago, I had the joy of hosting some CTI friends.
And although I miss them all, it got me thinking of an experience that I had coming back from Taiwan.
In that same way, I think that's something to be looking forward to... after we have all passed and gone on, I hope to hear those comforting words. "Welcome Home!"
Just some random thoughts.
Hope you are doing fantastic!
And although I miss them all, it got me thinking of an experience that I had coming back from Taiwan.
I remember the customs agent looking over my passport and saying these words. “Welcome home Mr. Lee.” I had just spent the longest period of time away from the states (that I can distinctly remember) and it was one of the hardest experiences as well. And with those 4 words, I felt at ease. And it wasn't because I had all of these luxuries again. Or not having to deal with a language barrier. Or having ice cream truck music actually come from ice cream trucks, not garbage trucks. Or cold water at restaurants. Etc. You get the point. No, I was more at ease because I knew that there were people back home that were thinking of me. Cheering me on. Who were praying for me during each circumstance I was going through.
In that same way, I think that's something to be looking forward to... after we have all passed and gone on, I hope to hear those comforting words. "Welcome Home!"
Just some random thoughts.
Hope you are doing fantastic!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
So there's been a lot of chatter in the CTI circles about relationships. Who's going with who from what team, who finally proposed to who, which CTI couple from what year just had a baby, etc.
It's interesting to see people's reactions to these things. Most of the time, it's a mixture of "Wow. I never saw this coming." and "YAYYYYYY!!!!"
It's amazing to see what the news of a relationship change will do to someone's facebook wall the moment it goes "facebook official." Someone who has had relatively no chatter suddenly finds them self with 87 new notifications.
What I'm getting at is, why is our reaction not the same when someone comes to know the Lord? I mean, yes, we "celebrate" baptisms and confirmations... but why is it that most of the time, it comes off as a dull tedious task to get through?
The other thing that I noticed is the reaction of some of the single people. I've seen this happen a few times. When they hear of the relationship, they are usually left wondering why they're not in a relationship and wanting that.
Shouldn't the same happen when someone accepts the Lord? Shouldn't the world see the change and wonder what they're missing out on? Shouldn't the world want that relationship with the Lord?
Anyways, back to studying for finals.
It's interesting to see people's reactions to these things. Most of the time, it's a mixture of "Wow. I never saw this coming." and "YAYYYYYY!!!!"
It's amazing to see what the news of a relationship change will do to someone's facebook wall the moment it goes "facebook official." Someone who has had relatively no chatter suddenly finds them self with 87 new notifications.
What I'm getting at is, why is our reaction not the same when someone comes to know the Lord? I mean, yes, we "celebrate" baptisms and confirmations... but why is it that most of the time, it comes off as a dull tedious task to get through?
The other thing that I noticed is the reaction of some of the single people. I've seen this happen a few times. When they hear of the relationship, they are usually left wondering why they're not in a relationship and wanting that.
Shouldn't the same happen when someone accepts the Lord? Shouldn't the world see the change and wonder what they're missing out on? Shouldn't the world want that relationship with the Lord?
Anyways, back to studying for finals.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Just venting a little.
Today in chapel, we had a guest worship leader. Nothing wrong with that... until the offering time came.
RIGHT before the announcements leading up to the collecting of the offering, she said, "Now. If you guys enjoyed the songs we sang today, they're available on a CD that I made. You guys don't have it because it came out a few weeks ago. They're normally $10 but you guys are college students. I'm sure that if it came down to you guys choosing between having to spend $10 on a meal at the cafeteria or $10 for a CD, you'd choose the meal for sure. That's why I've decided to sell them for $5 today."
She walked off the stage and the announcements were made.
Then following the announcements, she came back up to sing an offertory song and started it off by going, "this is the title track of the album for sale outside the chapel. I hope you guys enjoy."
Anyone else feel something a little off about that?
Today in chapel, we had a guest worship leader. Nothing wrong with that... until the offering time came.
RIGHT before the announcements leading up to the collecting of the offering, she said, "Now. If you guys enjoyed the songs we sang today, they're available on a CD that I made. You guys don't have it because it came out a few weeks ago. They're normally $10 but you guys are college students. I'm sure that if it came down to you guys choosing between having to spend $10 on a meal at the cafeteria or $10 for a CD, you'd choose the meal for sure. That's why I've decided to sell them for $5 today."
She walked off the stage and the announcements were made.
Then following the announcements, she came back up to sing an offertory song and started it off by going, "this is the title track of the album for sale outside the chapel. I hope you guys enjoy."
Anyone else feel something a little off about that?
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Hello friends.
So a little moment ago, I was cleaning my dorm room, putting some stuff away, had my iPod on shuffle and was listening to some music. I sat down after everything was organized then realized that my hearing in my right ear had changed.
For those of y'all who don't know, I have some hearing loss and tinnitus. I hear a high-pitched noise constantly... like the same kind that you can hear when you turn on an old TV.
So, with this in mind, as I was listening to this music, and realized that something had gone wonky in my ear, I had a momentary freak out. I had no idea how I was gonna fix this, if I could fix it, if my hearing had made a turn for the worse, etc.
Then this song came on...
It wasn't so much the first bit of the song that made me kinda sit back and go, "huh." Read the last bit of the lyrics.
I need words
As wide as sky
I need language large as
This longing inside
And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
And I need a song to sing You
That I've yet to find
I need You,
Oh, I need You
I need You,
Oh, I need You
To be here now
To be here now
To hear me now
To hear me now
At that moment, to me, this wasn't my song to the Lord... Maybe it's God's song to me.
The song called me, first and foremost, to be here now.
It says in the Bible that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, etc. Dwelling in the Spirit will give birth to the fruit of the Spirit.
As we are here in His presence, let's hear His calling for us.
Ephesians 4 says:
"I... urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintaining the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."
I think this is a good wake-up call for me.
And maybe this is for you as well. Maybe not in the same way as me... but how many of y'all struggle as I do with patience. Or gentleness in certain situations. Are we inclined to love those who are annoying? Or do we just "put up with them" because it's the societal norm?
I urge all y'all who read this. I'm not saying that it'll be easy. But let's be in His presence, and as we hear His call, let's live life walking in a manner worthy of the calling.
By the way, as the last bit of the song came on, my hearing was back to normal.
So a little moment ago, I was cleaning my dorm room, putting some stuff away, had my iPod on shuffle and was listening to some music. I sat down after everything was organized then realized that my hearing in my right ear had changed.
For those of y'all who don't know, I have some hearing loss and tinnitus. I hear a high-pitched noise constantly... like the same kind that you can hear when you turn on an old TV.
So, with this in mind, as I was listening to this music, and realized that something had gone wonky in my ear, I had a momentary freak out. I had no idea how I was gonna fix this, if I could fix it, if my hearing had made a turn for the worse, etc.
Then this song came on...
It wasn't so much the first bit of the song that made me kinda sit back and go, "huh." Read the last bit of the lyrics.
I need words
As wide as sky
I need language large as
This longing inside
And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
And I need a song to sing You
That I've yet to find
I need You,
Oh, I need You
I need You,
Oh, I need You
To be here now
To be here now
To hear me now
To hear me now
At that moment, to me, this wasn't my song to the Lord... Maybe it's God's song to me.
The song called me, first and foremost, to be here now.
It says in the Bible that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, etc. Dwelling in the Spirit will give birth to the fruit of the Spirit.
As we are here in His presence, let's hear His calling for us.
Ephesians 4 says:
"I... urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintaining the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."
I think this is a good wake-up call for me.
And maybe this is for you as well. Maybe not in the same way as me... but how many of y'all struggle as I do with patience. Or gentleness in certain situations. Are we inclined to love those who are annoying? Or do we just "put up with them" because it's the societal norm?
I urge all y'all who read this. I'm not saying that it'll be easy. But let's be in His presence, and as we hear His call, let's live life walking in a manner worthy of the calling.
By the way, as the last bit of the song came on, my hearing was back to normal.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
So I had a roommate who is OBSESSED with keeping the lights off in the room. At times, even though I am doing homework and need lights on, he'll just switch the lights off.
It never ceased to amaze me this odd and incessant need to have the lights off. I asked him one time why he always wants to have the lights off. He replied, "I dunno. I just like it. It's for mood."
And I just sat back and couldn't help but be puzzled at the parallel between this situation and how a lot of people live life. So many people choose to live in darkness. People choose to be held captive to the sin because it feels good. They just like it. They choose to give into their sinful nature.
It's a good reminder that these people are the ones that we are called to minister to. Those people who live among us... and still actively choose to live in the darkness.
There was a song that we did on my FT year with CTI titled "God of Justice." And like that song calls us to do, I encourage y'all. Walk humbly. Love mercy.
It never ceased to amaze me this odd and incessant need to have the lights off. I asked him one time why he always wants to have the lights off. He replied, "I dunno. I just like it. It's for mood."
And I just sat back and couldn't help but be puzzled at the parallel between this situation and how a lot of people live life. So many people choose to live in darkness. People choose to be held captive to the sin because it feels good. They just like it. They choose to give into their sinful nature.
It's a good reminder that these people are the ones that we are called to minister to. Those people who live among us... and still actively choose to live in the darkness.
There was a song that we did on my FT year with CTI titled "God of Justice." And like that song calls us to do, I encourage y'all. Walk humbly. Love mercy.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
I wanna go back.
Revelation 2:1-7:
1"To the angel of the church in Ephesus write:
These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands: 2I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. 3You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. 4Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. 5Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place. 6But you have this in your favor: You hate the practices of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate. 7He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God."
When a specific passage comes up multiple times in a day, I can't just sit there and think it's by random chance. This is the passage that kept coming up for me today.
Is this a wakeup call for me? A warning against my ever-growing callousness to the AoG doctrine my school tries to push on me?
Maybe I need to stop worrying about what the preacher is saying and focus more on the one he's preaching about.
Maybe in my heart, I need to go back to where I was when I wasn't wrapped up comparing their theology against my beliefs.
Maybe in my mind I need to stop whining about that one frequency on the female vocals that makes my ear drums rattle and instead, meditate on the words.
Maybe I need to remember what it was like when I was so on fire for Jesus. When I was satisfied with even an obscure bit of scripture and could sit and meditate on it without feeling bothered. Where I could listen to and sing the same song over and over again for hours because the words, "Here I am to worship" welled up deep inside my soul. Where my legs falling asleep didn't hinder me from prayer. I see, "the heights from where I've fallen."
I wanna go back.
Revelation 2:1-7:
1"To the angel of the church in Ephesus write:
These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands: 2I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. 3You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. 4Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. 5Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place. 6But you have this in your favor: You hate the practices of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate. 7He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God."
When a specific passage comes up multiple times in a day, I can't just sit there and think it's by random chance. This is the passage that kept coming up for me today.
Is this a wakeup call for me? A warning against my ever-growing callousness to the AoG doctrine my school tries to push on me?
Maybe I need to stop worrying about what the preacher is saying and focus more on the one he's preaching about.
Maybe in my heart, I need to go back to where I was when I wasn't wrapped up comparing their theology against my beliefs.
Maybe in my mind I need to stop whining about that one frequency on the female vocals that makes my ear drums rattle and instead, meditate on the words.
Maybe I need to remember what it was like when I was so on fire for Jesus. When I was satisfied with even an obscure bit of scripture and could sit and meditate on it without feeling bothered. Where I could listen to and sing the same song over and over again for hours because the words, "Here I am to worship" welled up deep inside my soul. Where my legs falling asleep didn't hinder me from prayer. I see, "the heights from where I've fallen."
I wanna go back.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
I was reflecting a lot on a bit of the Lord's Prayer. the part where it says, "forgive our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us."
I was recently robbed and I remember feeling extremely violated when I found out. Not necessarily angry, but just irritated that it happened.
I also remember having to tell my parents what happened too. They came to pick me up at school during the weekend after having worked all day. My mom could see something was bothering me and asked what was going on. I remember having to tell them, "Do you remember the money you worked all week for? How the money that you made in the only small business transaction from that week was then given to me? Well, in one swift act of injustice, someone stole it from me." Essentially, telling them they worked all week for nothing.
Seeing the defeat on my parent's faces, the tears flowing, them realizing and knowing that they had worked so hard and it essentially amounted to nothing. It was one of the the hardest things I've ever had to do.
That's when I began to start being more irritated. Not only did the thief's actions hinder me from buying some textbooks, their actions affected my parents too.
I came back on campus after the weekend had passed, reported it to campus security and my dorm RA and RD, and was told that there was nothing that could realistically, practically, be done... in the grand scheme of things, it's just money.
That's when things just clicked and I became angry. Not just at the situation, but that someone would violate me like that. That someone would not give any thought to my situation and just seek to serve their own needs and desires by going into my wallet and taking all my money. The callousness of the school administration made me mad too. I was thinking, "why are they not doing anything and everything to find out who did it?"
But then I had a thought.
Am I so different? Maybe not in the sense that I'm going around murdering or robbing people. But when I'm looking at that one disruptive student who goes out of their way to prove to everyone that they're a BA... looking at them and judging them and their behavior. Or when I speak in a harsh tone to someone when I'm annoyed with them. I'm definitely robbing them of their dignity, no? That stung me.
Am I so different from the person who robbed me? Am I truly entitled to justice and swift actions taken by the school to find the perpetrator?
That stung me too. Not only did I realize that I was expecting the school to do what made me irritated in the first place; that I did not give any thought to their situation and just seek to serve my own needs and desires... But also, my struggle with entitlement was back. ugh.
I think it's interesting that when Jesus was teaching us how to pray, he taught and reminded us of this important thing... to call on Him to forgive our sins.
There's an old song that I used to sing in Sunday school and stuff back in the day. It's from the 80's. Talk about throwback. haha.
I am a new creation
No more in condemnation
Here in the grace of God I stand
My heart is overflowing
My love just keeps on growing
Here in the grace of God I stand
And I will praise You Lord
Yes, I will praise You Lord
And I will sing of all that You have done
A joy that knows no limit
A lightness in my spirit
Here in the grace of God I stand
Anyone remember this song? Yes, there are certainly truths in this song. But should it end there? With just knowing that we're standing by the grace of God?
Someone should write a second verse to this song.
I wonder why it's so easy for us to examine our own hearts (or maybe it's not... but you get the point) and see that we are in need for a savior... but so hard for us to see that we're not alone in needing Jesus? Where's our compassion to our brothers and sisters who are just as sinful as us. Why is it so easy to look at their actions and judge them or condemn... but why is it so easy for us to look at our actions and know that we need Jesus?
Knowing that you need Jesus is good. Don't get me wrong. But why do we hoard this truth? Why do we make the freedom Jesus offers just about our own morality? If we're so irritated at the world and it's brokenness... and all the injustices that the people of this fallen world pushes on you, why aren't we doing something about it?
Jesus also calls us to do the same. To forgive those who sin against us.
Let's be Christians. Little Christs.
I was recently robbed and I remember feeling extremely violated when I found out. Not necessarily angry, but just irritated that it happened.
I also remember having to tell my parents what happened too. They came to pick me up at school during the weekend after having worked all day. My mom could see something was bothering me and asked what was going on. I remember having to tell them, "Do you remember the money you worked all week for? How the money that you made in the only small business transaction from that week was then given to me? Well, in one swift act of injustice, someone stole it from me." Essentially, telling them they worked all week for nothing.
Seeing the defeat on my parent's faces, the tears flowing, them realizing and knowing that they had worked so hard and it essentially amounted to nothing. It was one of the the hardest things I've ever had to do.
That's when I began to start being more irritated. Not only did the thief's actions hinder me from buying some textbooks, their actions affected my parents too.
I came back on campus after the weekend had passed, reported it to campus security and my dorm RA and RD, and was told that there was nothing that could realistically, practically, be done... in the grand scheme of things, it's just money.
That's when things just clicked and I became angry. Not just at the situation, but that someone would violate me like that. That someone would not give any thought to my situation and just seek to serve their own needs and desires by going into my wallet and taking all my money. The callousness of the school administration made me mad too. I was thinking, "why are they not doing anything and everything to find out who did it?"
But then I had a thought.
Am I so different? Maybe not in the sense that I'm going around murdering or robbing people. But when I'm looking at that one disruptive student who goes out of their way to prove to everyone that they're a BA... looking at them and judging them and their behavior. Or when I speak in a harsh tone to someone when I'm annoyed with them. I'm definitely robbing them of their dignity, no? That stung me.
Am I so different from the person who robbed me? Am I truly entitled to justice and swift actions taken by the school to find the perpetrator?
That stung me too. Not only did I realize that I was expecting the school to do what made me irritated in the first place; that I did not give any thought to their situation and just seek to serve my own needs and desires... But also, my struggle with entitlement was back. ugh.
I think it's interesting that when Jesus was teaching us how to pray, he taught and reminded us of this important thing... to call on Him to forgive our sins.
There's an old song that I used to sing in Sunday school and stuff back in the day. It's from the 80's. Talk about throwback. haha.
I am a new creation
No more in condemnation
Here in the grace of God I stand
My heart is overflowing
My love just keeps on growing
Here in the grace of God I stand
And I will praise You Lord
Yes, I will praise You Lord
And I will sing of all that You have done
A joy that knows no limit
A lightness in my spirit
Here in the grace of God I stand
Anyone remember this song? Yes, there are certainly truths in this song. But should it end there? With just knowing that we're standing by the grace of God?
Someone should write a second verse to this song.
I wonder why it's so easy for us to examine our own hearts (or maybe it's not... but you get the point) and see that we are in need for a savior... but so hard for us to see that we're not alone in needing Jesus? Where's our compassion to our brothers and sisters who are just as sinful as us. Why is it so easy to look at their actions and judge them or condemn... but why is it so easy for us to look at our actions and know that we need Jesus?
Knowing that you need Jesus is good. Don't get me wrong. But why do we hoard this truth? Why do we make the freedom Jesus offers just about our own morality? If we're so irritated at the world and it's brokenness... and all the injustices that the people of this fallen world pushes on you, why aren't we doing something about it?
Jesus also calls us to do the same. To forgive those who sin against us.
Let's be Christians. Little Christs.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Recently, a friend of mine told me that he just told his girlfriend about about some mistakes he had made and what his lifestyle was like prior to them dating. He said when he told her, the relationship made a turn for the worse. He said that she was just so hurt when he told her what he had done and she could no longer trust him. And he said that telling her that was one of the hardest things he had to do and couldn't deal with the fact that his past actions is hurting her. All he could say is, "Man, I'm so sorry for doing that. It hurts me seeing that what I did is hurting her."
It made me wonder... do we feel the same way when we sin against God? Are we truly hurting inside when we know that we are turning away from our Lord? Why is it that Christians can say all the time that, "Christianity isn't a religion, it's a relationship"... but not treat is as such?
Thank the Lord that He still pursues us.
John Mark McMillan writes of this love so well in this song... it's been done by a few artists now.
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
Pre-Chorus:
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Chorus 1:
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Verse 2:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
Isn't it amazing the depths of the love our God has for us?
Hope you're having a fantastical day.
It made me wonder... do we feel the same way when we sin against God? Are we truly hurting inside when we know that we are turning away from our Lord? Why is it that Christians can say all the time that, "Christianity isn't a religion, it's a relationship"... but not treat is as such?
Thank the Lord that He still pursues us.
John Mark McMillan writes of this love so well in this song... it's been done by a few artists now.
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
Pre-Chorus:
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Chorus 1:
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Verse 2:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
Isn't it amazing the depths of the love our God has for us?
Hope you're having a fantastical day.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I just had a disturbing dream and I can't fall back asleep because every time I close my eyes, that image keeps coming back.
This is what I see.
I see a dark room. All I hear is weeping. As I look around to find what is going on, I look to the corner to find my dad weeping uncontrollably. When I ask him what is going on, he can't respond because he is so overwhelmed with despair and helplessness. Out of a sheer discomfort, I went out of the room to see if maybe someone could talk to him and no matter how far I went, I couldn't find anyone.
Back in March, my dad lost both his brother and his father in sudden and unforeseeable situations. And the first time he's mentioned anything of his emotions in regards to what happened was last week. And it was just very brief. I conveyed to my dad my frustration that he had gone through such a significant emotional trauma and he hasn't mentioned one word about how he feels to anyone. Not only is he dealing with the loss of 2 family members, there's a whole lot of family drama that was stirred up with the passing of my grandfather. From what I hear, he's essentially been outcast from the family.
In that dream, I saw my dad as a broken man. Now, being Korean, it's hard for me to imagine any Korean father breaking down. But in this dream, it wasn't just any Korean father... it was mine. Now bear in mind I've never actually seen my dad break down. Never, in my 24 years on this earth so far, have I seen my dad break down. I've only heard it once, when I asked him if my grandfather had indeed passed away, but he quickly regained composure and told me not to worry, asked me to stay strong in ministering with CTI, and assured me that everything would be fine.
I wrote in an earlier blog post that one of the images that I had when I was deciding whether or not to do CTI was of people who I saw as harassed and helpless.
And tonight, that image is etched into my mind. It was like watching 9-11 unfold. Or a really bad car accident. It bothered me so much to the point where I can't fall back asleep. I felt like throwing up. I cried for the first time in a long time.
And the sad thing is, that it's not just in my dreams... but this is very much a reality for my dad. I can't just switch it off and shake the image out.
And maybe this is how you feel at times too. Maybe you feel like you're trapped in a dark room and all you can do is weep and weep with no hope for anyone to console you.
But.
I encourage you to look to the one who knows what you're going through.
There's a Phil Wickham song titled "True Love". It's a very simple song, yet so packed with the truths of the Gospel.
Come close listen to the story
About a love more faithful than the morning
The Father gave His only Son just to save us
The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Fathers Broken Heart
Tears were filling Heaven's Eyes
The day that True Love died, the day that True Love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that True Love died, The day that True Love died
Search your heart you know you can't deny it
Come on, lose your life just so you can find it
The Father gave His only Son just to save us
Now, Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Oh, He is alive
He rose again
Come close listen to the story.
Our Father God knows what you're going through. He knows your hurts, your deepest, darkest, most painful thing. It's the result of sin and a fallen world. And in the greatest moment of redemption, He felt pain as well. But it doesn't stop there. Jesus rose again. THIS is why we can have hope.
Call to Him in your times of need, pain, struggle.
As a church, we are called to bring this message to all we see.
And we are also called to bear one another's burdens.
You'd think that at a church that drives home the importance of community, that my dad would at least have 1 person to trust and talk to. But the sad fact, at least for my dad, is that he feels like he has no one. Not even the pastor.
He's been so scarred by everyone; both fellow church people and EVEN his OWN FAMILY. So much to the point where he can't trust anyone to share his burdens. He internalizes it and it drives him to do unthinkable things. He is consumed with feelings of inadequacy and so he can't eat or sleep. He has to keep his mind off of things so he keeps busy by working. He is quite literally working himself to death. And yet, as he works, he is surrounded by the very thing that people use to mark him as a failure. And while he tries to stay strong, there are times where I can tell that those lies have crept into his mind and heart.
Friends, it PAINS me to see my dad in that state. I don't want to see y'all like this as well. If there is something. Anything. That you, the reader, is going through, and you feel comfortable sharing it with me, please let me know. I'll be praying most certainly.
And if there are people in your life who you know are feeling this way, let's do the same. Let's bear one another's burdens.
This is what I see.
I see a dark room. All I hear is weeping. As I look around to find what is going on, I look to the corner to find my dad weeping uncontrollably. When I ask him what is going on, he can't respond because he is so overwhelmed with despair and helplessness. Out of a sheer discomfort, I went out of the room to see if maybe someone could talk to him and no matter how far I went, I couldn't find anyone.
Back in March, my dad lost both his brother and his father in sudden and unforeseeable situations. And the first time he's mentioned anything of his emotions in regards to what happened was last week. And it was just very brief. I conveyed to my dad my frustration that he had gone through such a significant emotional trauma and he hasn't mentioned one word about how he feels to anyone. Not only is he dealing with the loss of 2 family members, there's a whole lot of family drama that was stirred up with the passing of my grandfather. From what I hear, he's essentially been outcast from the family.
In that dream, I saw my dad as a broken man. Now, being Korean, it's hard for me to imagine any Korean father breaking down. But in this dream, it wasn't just any Korean father... it was mine. Now bear in mind I've never actually seen my dad break down. Never, in my 24 years on this earth so far, have I seen my dad break down. I've only heard it once, when I asked him if my grandfather had indeed passed away, but he quickly regained composure and told me not to worry, asked me to stay strong in ministering with CTI, and assured me that everything would be fine.
I wrote in an earlier blog post that one of the images that I had when I was deciding whether or not to do CTI was of people who I saw as harassed and helpless.
And tonight, that image is etched into my mind. It was like watching 9-11 unfold. Or a really bad car accident. It bothered me so much to the point where I can't fall back asleep. I felt like throwing up. I cried for the first time in a long time.
And the sad thing is, that it's not just in my dreams... but this is very much a reality for my dad. I can't just switch it off and shake the image out.
And maybe this is how you feel at times too. Maybe you feel like you're trapped in a dark room and all you can do is weep and weep with no hope for anyone to console you.
But.
I encourage you to look to the one who knows what you're going through.
There's a Phil Wickham song titled "True Love". It's a very simple song, yet so packed with the truths of the Gospel.
Come close listen to the story
About a love more faithful than the morning
The Father gave His only Son just to save us
The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Fathers Broken Heart
Tears were filling Heaven's Eyes
The day that True Love died, the day that True Love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that True Love died, The day that True Love died
Search your heart you know you can't deny it
Come on, lose your life just so you can find it
The Father gave His only Son just to save us
Now, Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Oh, He is alive
He rose again
Come close listen to the story.
Our Father God knows what you're going through. He knows your hurts, your deepest, darkest, most painful thing. It's the result of sin and a fallen world. And in the greatest moment of redemption, He felt pain as well. But it doesn't stop there. Jesus rose again. THIS is why we can have hope.
Call to Him in your times of need, pain, struggle.
As a church, we are called to bring this message to all we see.
And we are also called to bear one another's burdens.
You'd think that at a church that drives home the importance of community, that my dad would at least have 1 person to trust and talk to. But the sad fact, at least for my dad, is that he feels like he has no one. Not even the pastor.
He's been so scarred by everyone; both fellow church people and EVEN his OWN FAMILY. So much to the point where he can't trust anyone to share his burdens. He internalizes it and it drives him to do unthinkable things. He is consumed with feelings of inadequacy and so he can't eat or sleep. He has to keep his mind off of things so he keeps busy by working. He is quite literally working himself to death. And yet, as he works, he is surrounded by the very thing that people use to mark him as a failure. And while he tries to stay strong, there are times where I can tell that those lies have crept into his mind and heart.
Friends, it PAINS me to see my dad in that state. I don't want to see y'all like this as well. If there is something. Anything. That you, the reader, is going through, and you feel comfortable sharing it with me, please let me know. I'll be praying most certainly.
And if there are people in your life who you know are feeling this way, let's do the same. Let's bear one another's burdens.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
A random thought...
With all the hubbub that was raised with the proposed Quran burning in Gainesville, I wonder why everyone reacted the way they did exactly. Not to say that they shouldn't have, because the whole thing was just wrong. But I wonder what their motives for their reactions were.
Did everyone react the way they did because they felt like the pastor was a bad example of a Christian? Was it out of fear that non-believers would say, "Christians are bad. Look at that dude who wanted to burn the Quran. What kind of Christian would do such a thing?" Was it because they felt like the world would view Christians as bad, immoral people and use that as an example to prove their point?
I know one of the top generals for the US military pleaded with the pastor not to go through with it because he thought doing so would elevate violence in the region and would put more soldiers at risk. I wonder if a lot of people were so different in their thinking. Not so much that we would be put in situations where we would need to worry about more insurgent attacks or IEDs... but worry that we would be "attacked" for the actions of a misguided pastor.
Or did everyone react the way they did because they felt like the pastor was reflecting Christ poorly? Did everyone react the way they did because those actions do not show the love of Christ?
Thoughts anyone?
With all the hubbub that was raised with the proposed Quran burning in Gainesville, I wonder why everyone reacted the way they did exactly. Not to say that they shouldn't have, because the whole thing was just wrong. But I wonder what their motives for their reactions were.
Did everyone react the way they did because they felt like the pastor was a bad example of a Christian? Was it out of fear that non-believers would say, "Christians are bad. Look at that dude who wanted to burn the Quran. What kind of Christian would do such a thing?" Was it because they felt like the world would view Christians as bad, immoral people and use that as an example to prove their point?
I know one of the top generals for the US military pleaded with the pastor not to go through with it because he thought doing so would elevate violence in the region and would put more soldiers at risk. I wonder if a lot of people were so different in their thinking. Not so much that we would be put in situations where we would need to worry about more insurgent attacks or IEDs... but worry that we would be "attacked" for the actions of a misguided pastor.
Or did everyone react the way they did because they felt like the pastor was reflecting Christ poorly? Did everyone react the way they did because those actions do not show the love of Christ?
Thoughts anyone?
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