Just venting a little.

Today in chapel, we had a guest worship leader. Nothing wrong with that... until the offering time came.

RIGHT before the announcements leading up to the collecting of the offering, she said, "Now. If you guys enjoyed the songs we sang today, they're available on a CD that I made. You guys don't have it because it came out a few weeks ago. They're normally $10 but you guys are college students. I'm sure that if it came down to you guys choosing between having to spend $10 on a meal at the cafeteria or $10 for a CD, you'd choose the meal for sure. That's why I've decided to sell them for $5 today."

She walked off the stage and the announcements were made.

Then following the announcements, she came back up to sing an offertory song and started it off by going, "this is the title track of the album for sale outside the chapel. I hope you guys enjoy."

Anyone else feel something a little off about that?

Hello friends.

So a little moment ago, I was cleaning my dorm room, putting some stuff away, had my iPod on shuffle and was listening to some music. I sat down after everything was organized then realized that my hearing in my right ear had changed.

For those of y'all who don't know, I have some hearing loss and tinnitus. I hear a high-pitched noise constantly... like the same kind that you can hear when you turn on an old TV.

So, with this in mind, as I was listening to this music, and realized that something had gone wonky in my ear, I had a momentary freak out. I had no idea how I was gonna fix this, if I could fix it, if my hearing had made a turn for the worse, etc.

Then this song came on...



It wasn't so much the first bit of the song that made me kinda sit back and go, "huh." Read the last bit of the lyrics.

I need words
As wide as sky
I need language large as
This longing inside
And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
And I need a song to sing You
That I've yet to find
I need You,
Oh, I need You
I need You,
Oh, I need You
To be here now
To be here now
To hear me now
To hear me now

At that moment, to me, this wasn't my song to the Lord... Maybe it's God's song to me.

The song called me, first and foremost, to be here now.

It says in the Bible that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, etc. Dwelling in the Spirit will give birth to the fruit of the Spirit.

As we are here in His presence, let's hear His calling for us.

Ephesians 4 says:

"I... urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintaining the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."

I think this is a good wake-up call for me.

And maybe this is for you as well. Maybe not in the same way as me... but how many of y'all struggle as I do with patience. Or gentleness in certain situations. Are we inclined to love those who are annoying? Or do we just "put up with them" because it's the societal norm?

I urge all y'all who read this. I'm not saying that it'll be easy. But let's be in His presence, and as we hear His call, let's live life walking in a manner worthy of the calling.

By the way, as the last bit of the song came on, my hearing was back to normal.

"We are often drawn away from obedience by the abuse of grace... We abuse grace when we think we can sin and then receive forgiveness by claiming 1 John 1:9. We abuse grace when, after sinning, we dwell on the compassion and mercy of God to the exclusion of His holiness and hatred of sin."

Whoa.

So I had a roommate who is OBSESSED with keeping the lights off in the room. At times, even though I am doing homework and need lights on, he'll just switch the lights off.

It never ceased to amaze me this odd and incessant need to have the lights off. I asked him one time why he always wants to have the lights off. He replied, "I dunno. I just like it. It's for mood."

And I just sat back and couldn't help but be puzzled at the parallel between this situation and how a lot of people live life. So many people choose to live in darkness. People choose to be held captive to the sin because it feels good. They just like it. They choose to give into their sinful nature.

It's a good reminder that these people are the ones that we are called to minister to. Those people who live among us... and still actively choose to live in the darkness.

There was a song that we did on my FT year with CTI titled "God of Justice." And like that song calls us to do, I encourage y'all. Walk humbly. Love mercy.

"Holiness, then, is not necessary as a condition of salvation- that would be salvation by works- but as a part of salvation- that is received by faith in Christ"
-The Pursuit of Holiness by Jerry Bridges

I wanna go back.

Revelation 2:1-7:

¹"To the angel of the church in Ephesus write:
These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands: ²I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. ³You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. ⁴Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. ⁵Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place. ⁶But you have this in your favor: You hate the practices of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate. ⁷He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God."

When a specific passage comes up multiple times in a day, I can't just sit there and think it's by random chance. This is the passage that kept coming up for me today.

Is this a wakeup call for me? A warning against my ever-growing callousness to the AoG doctrine my school tries to push on me?

Maybe I need to stop worrying about what the preacher is saying and focus more on the one he's preaching about.

Maybe in my heart, I need to go back to where I was when I wasn't wrapped up comparing their theology against my beliefs.

Maybe in my mind I need to stop whining about that one frequency on the female vocals that makes my ear drums rattle and instead, meditate on the words.

Maybe I need to remember what it was like when I was so on fire for Jesus. When I was satisfied with even an obscure bit of scripture and could sit and meditate on it without feeling bothered. Where I could listen to and sing the same song over and over again for hours because the words, "Here I am to worship" welled up deep inside my soul. Where my legs falling asleep didn't hinder me from prayer. I see, "the heights from where I've fallen."

I wanna go back.

I was reflecting a lot on a bit of the Lord's Prayer. the part where it says, "forgive our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us."

I was recently robbed and I remember feeling extremely violated when I found out. Not necessarily angry, but just irritated that it happened.

I also remember having to tell my parents what happened too. They came to pick me up at school during the weekend after having worked all day. My mom could see something was bothering me and asked what was going on. I remember having to tell them, "Do you remember the money you worked all week for? How the money that you made in the only small business transaction from that week was then given to me? Well, in one swift act of injustice, someone stole it from me." Essentially, telling them they worked all week for nothing.

Seeing the defeat on my parent's faces, the tears flowing, them realizing and knowing that they had worked so hard and it essentially amounted to nothing. It was one of the the hardest things I've ever had to do.

That's when I began to start being more irritated. Not only did the thief's actions hinder me from buying some textbooks, their actions affected my parents too.

I came back on campus after the weekend had passed, reported it to campus security and my dorm RA and RD, and was told that there was nothing that could realistically, practically, be done... in the grand scheme of things, it's just money.

That's when things just clicked and I became angry. Not just at the situation, but that someone would violate me like that. That someone would not give any thought to my situation and just seek to serve their own needs and desires by going into my wallet and taking all my money. The callousness of the school administration made me mad too. I was thinking, "why are they not doing anything and everything to find out who did it?"

But then I had a thought.

Am I so different? Maybe not in the sense that I'm going around murdering or robbing people. But when I'm looking at that one disruptive student who goes out of their way to prove to everyone that they're a BA... looking at them and judging them and their behavior. Or when I speak in a harsh tone to someone when I'm annoyed with them. I'm definitely robbing them of their dignity, no? That stung me.

Am I so different from the person who robbed me? Am I truly entitled to justice and swift actions taken by the school to find the perpetrator?

That stung me too. Not only did I realize that I was expecting the school to do what made me irritated in the first place; that I did not give any thought to their situation and just seek to serve my own needs and desires... But also, my struggle with entitlement was back. ugh.

I think it's interesting that when Jesus was teaching us how to pray, he taught and reminded us of this important thing... to call on Him to forgive our sins.

There's an old song that I used to sing in Sunday school and stuff back in the day. It's from the 80's. Talk about throwback. haha.

I am a new creation
No more in condemnation
Here in the grace of God I stand
My heart is overflowing
My love just keeps on growing
Here in the grace of God I stand

And I will praise You Lord
Yes, I will praise You Lord
And I will sing of all that You have done

A joy that knows no limit
A lightness in my spirit
Here in the grace of God I stand


Anyone remember this song? Yes, there are certainly truths in this song. But should it end there? With just knowing that we're standing by the grace of God?

Someone should write a second verse to this song.

I wonder why it's so easy for us to examine our own hearts (or maybe it's not... but you get the point) and see that we are in need for a savior... but so hard for us to see that we're not alone in needing Jesus? Where's our compassion to our brothers and sisters who are just as sinful as us. Why is it so easy to look at their actions and judge them or condemn... but why is it so easy for us to look at our actions and know that we need Jesus?

Knowing that you need Jesus is good. Don't get me wrong. But why do we hoard this truth? Why do we make the freedom Jesus offers just about our own morality? If we're so irritated at the world and it's brokenness... and all the injustices that the people of this fallen world pushes on you, why aren't we doing something about it?

Jesus also calls us to do the same. To forgive those who sin against us.

Let's be Christians. Little Christs.