I wanna go back.

Revelation 2:1-7:

¹"To the angel of the church in Ephesus write:
These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands: ²I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. ³You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. ⁴Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. ⁵Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place. ⁶But you have this in your favor: You hate the practices of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate. ⁷He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God."

When a specific passage comes up multiple times in a day, I can't just sit there and think it's by random chance. This is the passage that kept coming up for me today.

Is this a wakeup call for me? A warning against my ever-growing callousness to the AoG doctrine my school tries to push on me?

Maybe I need to stop worrying about what the preacher is saying and focus more on the one he's preaching about.

Maybe in my heart, I need to go back to where I was when I wasn't wrapped up comparing their theology against my beliefs.

Maybe in my mind I need to stop whining about that one frequency on the female vocals that makes my ear drums rattle and instead, meditate on the words.

Maybe I need to remember what it was like when I was so on fire for Jesus. When I was satisfied with even an obscure bit of scripture and could sit and meditate on it without feeling bothered. Where I could listen to and sing the same song over and over again for hours because the words, "Here I am to worship" welled up deep inside my soul. Where my legs falling asleep didn't hinder me from prayer. I see, "the heights from where I've fallen."

I wanna go back.

I was reflecting a lot on a bit of the Lord's Prayer. the part where it says, "forgive our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us."

I was recently robbed and I remember feeling extremely violated when I found out. Not necessarily angry, but just irritated that it happened.

I also remember having to tell my parents what happened too. They came to pick me up at school during the weekend after having worked all day. My mom could see something was bothering me and asked what was going on. I remember having to tell them, "Do you remember the money you worked all week for? How the money that you made in the only small business transaction from that week was then given to me? Well, in one swift act of injustice, someone stole it from me." Essentially, telling them they worked all week for nothing.

Seeing the defeat on my parent's faces, the tears flowing, them realizing and knowing that they had worked so hard and it essentially amounted to nothing. It was one of the the hardest things I've ever had to do.

That's when I began to start being more irritated. Not only did the thief's actions hinder me from buying some textbooks, their actions affected my parents too.

I came back on campus after the weekend had passed, reported it to campus security and my dorm RA and RD, and was told that there was nothing that could realistically, practically, be done... in the grand scheme of things, it's just money.

That's when things just clicked and I became angry. Not just at the situation, but that someone would violate me like that. That someone would not give any thought to my situation and just seek to serve their own needs and desires by going into my wallet and taking all my money. The callousness of the school administration made me mad too. I was thinking, "why are they not doing anything and everything to find out who did it?"

But then I had a thought.

Am I so different? Maybe not in the sense that I'm going around murdering or robbing people. But when I'm looking at that one disruptive student who goes out of their way to prove to everyone that they're a BA... looking at them and judging them and their behavior. Or when I speak in a harsh tone to someone when I'm annoyed with them. I'm definitely robbing them of their dignity, no? That stung me.

Am I so different from the person who robbed me? Am I truly entitled to justice and swift actions taken by the school to find the perpetrator?

That stung me too. Not only did I realize that I was expecting the school to do what made me irritated in the first place; that I did not give any thought to their situation and just seek to serve my own needs and desires... But also, my struggle with entitlement was back. ugh.

I think it's interesting that when Jesus was teaching us how to pray, he taught and reminded us of this important thing... to call on Him to forgive our sins.

There's an old song that I used to sing in Sunday school and stuff back in the day. It's from the 80's. Talk about throwback. haha.

I am a new creation
No more in condemnation
Here in the grace of God I stand
My heart is overflowing
My love just keeps on growing
Here in the grace of God I stand

And I will praise You Lord
Yes, I will praise You Lord
And I will sing of all that You have done

A joy that knows no limit
A lightness in my spirit
Here in the grace of God I stand


Anyone remember this song? Yes, there are certainly truths in this song. But should it end there? With just knowing that we're standing by the grace of God?

Someone should write a second verse to this song.

I wonder why it's so easy for us to examine our own hearts (or maybe it's not... but you get the point) and see that we are in need for a savior... but so hard for us to see that we're not alone in needing Jesus? Where's our compassion to our brothers and sisters who are just as sinful as us. Why is it so easy to look at their actions and judge them or condemn... but why is it so easy for us to look at our actions and know that we need Jesus?

Knowing that you need Jesus is good. Don't get me wrong. But why do we hoard this truth? Why do we make the freedom Jesus offers just about our own morality? If we're so irritated at the world and it's brokenness... and all the injustices that the people of this fallen world pushes on you, why aren't we doing something about it?

Jesus also calls us to do the same. To forgive those who sin against us.

Let's be Christians. Little Christs.

Recently, a friend of mine told me that he just told his girlfriend about about some mistakes he had made and what his lifestyle was like prior to them dating. He said when he told her, the relationship made a turn for the worse. He said that she was just so hurt when he told her what he had done and she could no longer trust him. And he said that telling her that was one of the hardest things he had to do and couldn't deal with the fact that his past actions is hurting her. All he could say is, "Man, I'm so sorry for doing that. It hurts me seeing that what I did is hurting her."

It made me wonder... do we feel the same way when we sin against God? Are we truly hurting inside when we know that we are turning away from our Lord? Why is it that Christians can say all the time that, "Christianity isn't a religion, it's a relationship"... but not treat is as such?

Thank the Lord that He still pursues us.



John Mark McMillan writes of this love so well in this song... it's been done by a few artists now.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

Pre-Chorus:
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Chorus 1:
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Verse 2:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Isn't it amazing the depths of the love our God has for us?

Hope you're having a fantastical day.

I just had a disturbing dream and I can't fall back asleep because every time I close my eyes, that image keeps coming back.

This is what I see.

I see a dark room. All I hear is weeping. As I look around to find what is going on, I look to the corner to find my dad weeping uncontrollably. When I ask him what is going on, he can't respond because he is so overwhelmed with despair and helplessness. Out of a sheer discomfort, I went out of the room to see if maybe someone could talk to him and no matter how far I went, I couldn't find anyone.

Back in March, my dad lost both his brother and his father in sudden and unforeseeable situations. And the first time he's mentioned anything of his emotions in regards to what happened was last week. And it was just very brief. I conveyed to my dad my frustration that he had gone through such a significant emotional trauma and he hasn't mentioned one word about how he feels to anyone. Not only is he dealing with the loss of 2 family members, there's a whole lot of family drama that was stirred up with the passing of my grandfather. From what I hear, he's essentially been outcast from the family.

In that dream, I saw my dad as a broken man. Now, being Korean, it's hard for me to imagine any Korean father breaking down. But in this dream, it wasn't just any Korean father... it was mine. Now bear in mind I've never actually seen my dad break down. Never, in my 24 years on this earth so far, have I seen my dad break down. I've only heard it once, when I asked him if my grandfather had indeed passed away, but he quickly regained composure and told me not to worry, asked me to stay strong in ministering with CTI, and assured me that everything would be fine.

I wrote in an earlier blog post that one of the images that I had when I was deciding whether or not to do CTI was of people who I saw as harassed and helpless.

And tonight, that image is etched into my mind. It was like watching 9-11 unfold. Or a really bad car accident. It bothered me so much to the point where I can't fall back asleep. I felt like throwing up. I cried for the first time in a long time.

And the sad thing is, that it's not just in my dreams... but this is very much a reality for my dad. I can't just switch it off and shake the image out.

And maybe this is how you feel at times too. Maybe you feel like you're trapped in a dark room and all you can do is weep and weep with no hope for anyone to console you.

But.

I encourage you to look to the one who knows what you're going through.

There's a Phil Wickham song titled "True Love". It's a very simple song, yet so packed with the truths of the Gospel.



Come close listen to the story
About a love more faithful than the morning
The Father gave His only Son just to save us

The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Fathers Broken Heart
Tears were filling Heaven's Eyes
The day that True Love died, the day that True Love died

When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that True Love died, The day that True Love died

Search your heart you know you can't deny it
Come on, lose your life just so you can find it
The Father gave His only Son just to save us

Now, Jesus is alive

Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Oh, He is alive
He rose again

Come close listen to the story.

Our Father God knows what you're going through. He knows your hurts, your deepest, darkest, most painful thing. It's the result of sin and a fallen world. And in the greatest moment of redemption, He felt pain as well. But it doesn't stop there. Jesus rose again. THIS is why we can have hope.

Call to Him in your times of need, pain, struggle.

As a church, we are called to bring this message to all we see.

And we are also called to bear one another's burdens.

You'd think that at a church that drives home the importance of community, that my dad would at least have 1 person to trust and talk to. But the sad fact, at least for my dad, is that he feels like he has no one. Not even the pastor.

He's been so scarred by everyone; both fellow church people and EVEN his OWN FAMILY. So much to the point where he can't trust anyone to share his burdens. He internalizes it and it drives him to do unthinkable things. He is consumed with feelings of inadequacy and so he can't eat or sleep. He has to keep his mind off of things so he keeps busy by working. He is quite literally working himself to death. And yet, as he works, he is surrounded by the very thing that people use to mark him as a failure. And while he tries to stay strong, there are times where I can tell that those lies have crept into his mind and heart.

Friends, it PAINS me to see my dad in that state. I don't want to see y'all like this as well. If there is something. Anything. That you, the reader, is going through, and you feel comfortable sharing it with me, please let me know. I'll be praying most certainly.

And if there are people in your life who you know are feeling this way, let's do the same. Let's bear one another's burdens.

A random thought...

With all the hubbub that was raised with the proposed Quran burning in Gainesville, I wonder why everyone reacted the way they did exactly. Not to say that they shouldn't have, because the whole thing was just wrong. But I wonder what their motives for their reactions were.

Did everyone react the way they did because they felt like the pastor was a bad example of a Christian? Was it out of fear that non-believers would say, "Christians are bad. Look at that dude who wanted to burn the Quran. What kind of Christian would do such a thing?" Was it because they felt like the world would view Christians as bad, immoral people and use that as an example to prove their point?

I know one of the top generals for the US military pleaded with the pastor not to go through with it because he thought doing so would elevate violence in the region and would put more soldiers at risk. I wonder if a lot of people were so different in their thinking. Not so much that we would be put in situations where we would need to worry about more insurgent attacks or IEDs... but worry that we would be "attacked" for the actions of a misguided pastor.

Or did everyone react the way they did because they felt like the pastor was reflecting Christ poorly? Did everyone react the way they did because those actions do not show the love of Christ?

Thoughts anyone?

During mealtime these last few days, I've just taken some extra time to observe people in the dining hall. A lot of my pet peeves actually are related to manners when it comes to dining... things like chewing with the mouth open, shaking the leg which also shakes the table, etc. So it's actually funny that I chose to observe people in a setting that could potentially make me the most frustrated. It's amazing to see how people act in social settings. The thing that captivated my attention the most wasn't those people who were loud and having a good time... but it was the people who got their food and looked around to see where they could sit... and then realized that they would have to sit alone because they couldn't see anyone they recognized or wanted to socialize with.

It's also really interesting to see how they rectify their social problem. I remember one time I was eating lunch and this one guy from my dorm hall, who I had only briefly met, asked if he could join me in eating lunch because he didn't want to eat alone. To him, an awkward meal with someone else was infinitely better than a meal eaten alone.

It's amazing to see what the need for friends will drive people to do.

"There is a love that goes deeper than the depths of the ocean. There is a power that conquers death. There is a friendship that is deeper than words can express.

The friendship built on these will never fail, even if all hell attacks it. I want a friendship built solidly on the Rock of Jesus Christ, and on nothing else. That is a friendship that will survive against all odds."

A friend of mine posted this. And you know, I think she's onto something.

I've started school again in a new setting, being away (most of the week) from the things I know to be familiar. And one of the things that I miss the most are the people who I got to know with my time with CTI... brothers and sisters who I've had the privilege of walking along side in faith for a year of my life. I've been craving that community almost every day. And thankfully, through the magic of technology (and the small miracle that is me understanding how to actually use it without it imploding from my lack of understanding), I've been able to maintain that sense of community to a certain extent. It's certainly not the same... but it's been good. At least I feel like it has been.

And then I think of the friendships from long ago. I think to the friends I had at one point in time, but no longer can seem to maintain. And even though I'm the type of person who desires friendships to be deep and will pursue that, I find that those friendships just aren't. what. they used to be. simply because we can't even agree on the basics of faith.

There's a piece of scripture that's been coming up a lot lately. I love what it calls us to do. Hebrews 10 says:

19Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, 20by the new and living way that He opened for us through the curtain, that is, through His flesh, 21and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. 23Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. 24And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. (ESV)

I love all y'all. Thanks for not just being a part of my life, but helping me draw closer to Christ.

Hope everyone had a good Labor Day weekend. Pardon the fragmented nature of this blog post.

I was thinking these last few days about how I managed to ruin some things because I let my personal desires get in the way. Actually, a lot of things. Friendships. Working relationships. Even my educational path.

What a sad way to spend my time, right? Regretting things and wondering, "What could have been" because at the time, I did ask, "What can this be if I were to do this or that?" and acted on that. And after much thought, I came to the conclusion that I was totally an idiot. I came to the conclusion that deep down, I felt like I needed to control the situation and just acted.

Maybe some of y'all who read this are experiencing what I went through. Maybe things just aren't going the way that you thought they would. Finances. Friendships. And everything in you is screaming, "DO SOMETHING! YOU'RE KILLING ME SMALLS." Whatever. But just take a moment. Relax.

There's a song by Hillsong titled "Second Chance". Listen to it and read along with the lyrics.

You called my name, reached out your hand,
Restored my life, and I was redeemed,
The moment you entered my life,
Amazing grace, Christ gave that day,
My life was changed,
Went from my shoulders, fell the weight of my sin

So it's with everything I am,
I reach out for your hand,
The hope that changed a second chance I've gained,
On you I throw my life, casting all my fears aside,
How could greater love than this, ever possibly exist

Consume my thoughts, as I rest in you, I'm now in love, with a Saviour, Bearing the marks of his love

So I wait upon you now,
With my hands released to you,
Where a little faiths enough,
To see mountains lift and move,
Yeah and I wait upon you now,
Dedicated to your will,
To this love that will remain,
A love that never fails

It says in the book of Matthew, "Seek FIRST the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

I think in all those situations that I somewhat regret, I wasn't seeking His kingdom, His righteousness. Rather, I think I was satisfying a desire to make things better.

It's interesting that the section heading in my bible says, "Do not be anxious" I don't think I was being anxious about the things... rather, I suppose I wasn't willing to see the big picture. Or maybe that IS being anxious... not waiting to see everything unfold in His time.

The word says that God provides the birds of the air with everything. The flowers of the field. Jesus provided EVERYTHING we would need, no? Our eternal salvation. And I think we often times forget to remember that ultimately, that's what we need. When we don't seek His face, seek His kingdom, His righteousness, we lose sight of the importance of what Jesus did.

I was so wrapped up in seeing if I could make things work out to provide a better (honestly speaking, easier, more comfortable) situation for myself, that I had a momentary lapse in realizing that the Lord had already provided everything I would need.

I think in order to seek the kingdom, you need to start by realizing that there is a King. If you don't recognize or know that there is a king, how do you know that the king reigns over a kingdom? Know our King Jesus. And realize what He did for us. Receive the grace that the Lord has poured out.

Also, accept the forgiveness that He offers through the cross.

Let's strive to remember our Lord for what He has done. Seek Him daily. Give thanks to Him. Rest in His presence.

Thank you Father.