I just had a disturbing dream and I can't fall back asleep because every time I close my eyes, that image keeps coming back.

This is what I see.

I see a dark room. All I hear is weeping. As I look around to find what is going on, I look to the corner to find my dad weeping uncontrollably. When I ask him what is going on, he can't respond because he is so overwhelmed with despair and helplessness. Out of a sheer discomfort, I went out of the room to see if maybe someone could talk to him and no matter how far I went, I couldn't find anyone.

Back in March, my dad lost both his brother and his father in sudden and unforeseeable situations. And the first time he's mentioned anything of his emotions in regards to what happened was last week. And it was just very brief. I conveyed to my dad my frustration that he had gone through such a significant emotional trauma and he hasn't mentioned one word about how he feels to anyone. Not only is he dealing with the loss of 2 family members, there's a whole lot of family drama that was stirred up with the passing of my grandfather. From what I hear, he's essentially been outcast from the family.

In that dream, I saw my dad as a broken man. Now, being Korean, it's hard for me to imagine any Korean father breaking down. But in this dream, it wasn't just any Korean father... it was mine. Now bear in mind I've never actually seen my dad break down. Never, in my 24 years on this earth so far, have I seen my dad break down. I've only heard it once, when I asked him if my grandfather had indeed passed away, but he quickly regained composure and told me not to worry, asked me to stay strong in ministering with CTI, and assured me that everything would be fine.

I wrote in an earlier blog post that one of the images that I had when I was deciding whether or not to do CTI was of people who I saw as harassed and helpless.

And tonight, that image is etched into my mind. It was like watching 9-11 unfold. Or a really bad car accident. It bothered me so much to the point where I can't fall back asleep. I felt like throwing up. I cried for the first time in a long time.

And the sad thing is, that it's not just in my dreams... but this is very much a reality for my dad. I can't just switch it off and shake the image out.

And maybe this is how you feel at times too. Maybe you feel like you're trapped in a dark room and all you can do is weep and weep with no hope for anyone to console you.

But.

I encourage you to look to the one who knows what you're going through.

There's a Phil Wickham song titled "True Love". It's a very simple song, yet so packed with the truths of the Gospel.



Come close listen to the story
About a love more faithful than the morning
The Father gave His only Son just to save us

The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Fathers Broken Heart
Tears were filling Heaven's Eyes
The day that True Love died, the day that True Love died

When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that True Love died, The day that True Love died

Search your heart you know you can't deny it
Come on, lose your life just so you can find it
The Father gave His only Son just to save us

Now, Jesus is alive

Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Oh, He is alive
He rose again

Come close listen to the story.

Our Father God knows what you're going through. He knows your hurts, your deepest, darkest, most painful thing. It's the result of sin and a fallen world. And in the greatest moment of redemption, He felt pain as well. But it doesn't stop there. Jesus rose again. THIS is why we can have hope.

Call to Him in your times of need, pain, struggle.

As a church, we are called to bring this message to all we see.

And we are also called to bear one another's burdens.

You'd think that at a church that drives home the importance of community, that my dad would at least have 1 person to trust and talk to. But the sad fact, at least for my dad, is that he feels like he has no one. Not even the pastor.

He's been so scarred by everyone; both fellow church people and EVEN his OWN FAMILY. So much to the point where he can't trust anyone to share his burdens. He internalizes it and it drives him to do unthinkable things. He is consumed with feelings of inadequacy and so he can't eat or sleep. He has to keep his mind off of things so he keeps busy by working. He is quite literally working himself to death. And yet, as he works, he is surrounded by the very thing that people use to mark him as a failure. And while he tries to stay strong, there are times where I can tell that those lies have crept into his mind and heart.

Friends, it PAINS me to see my dad in that state. I don't want to see y'all like this as well. If there is something. Anything. That you, the reader, is going through, and you feel comfortable sharing it with me, please let me know. I'll be praying most certainly.

And if there are people in your life who you know are feeling this way, let's do the same. Let's bear one another's burdens.