So there's been a lot of chatter in the CTI circles about relationships. Who's going with who from what team, who finally proposed to who, which CTI couple from what year just had a baby, etc.

It's interesting to see people's reactions to these things. Most of the time, it's a mixture of "Wow. I never saw this coming." and "YAYYYYYY!!!!"

It's amazing to see what the news of a relationship change will do to someone's facebook wall the moment it goes "facebook official." Someone who has had relatively no chatter suddenly finds them self with 87 new notifications.

What I'm getting at is, why is our reaction not the same when someone comes to know the Lord? I mean, yes, we "celebrate" baptisms and confirmations... but why is it that most of the time, it comes off as a dull tedious task to get through?

The other thing that I noticed is the reaction of some of the single people. I've seen this happen a few times. When they hear of the relationship, they are usually left wondering why they're not in a relationship and wanting that.

Shouldn't the same happen when someone accepts the Lord? Shouldn't the world see the change and wonder what they're missing out on? Shouldn't the world want that relationship with the Lord?

Anyways, back to studying for finals.

Just venting a little.

Today in chapel, we had a guest worship leader. Nothing wrong with that... until the offering time came.

RIGHT before the announcements leading up to the collecting of the offering, she said, "Now. If you guys enjoyed the songs we sang today, they're available on a CD that I made. You guys don't have it because it came out a few weeks ago. They're normally $10 but you guys are college students. I'm sure that if it came down to you guys choosing between having to spend $10 on a meal at the cafeteria or $10 for a CD, you'd choose the meal for sure. That's why I've decided to sell them for $5 today."

She walked off the stage and the announcements were made.

Then following the announcements, she came back up to sing an offertory song and started it off by going, "this is the title track of the album for sale outside the chapel. I hope you guys enjoy."

Anyone else feel something a little off about that?

Hello friends.

So a little moment ago, I was cleaning my dorm room, putting some stuff away, had my iPod on shuffle and was listening to some music. I sat down after everything was organized then realized that my hearing in my right ear had changed.

For those of y'all who don't know, I have some hearing loss and tinnitus. I hear a high-pitched noise constantly... like the same kind that you can hear when you turn on an old TV.

So, with this in mind, as I was listening to this music, and realized that something had gone wonky in my ear, I had a momentary freak out. I had no idea how I was gonna fix this, if I could fix it, if my hearing had made a turn for the worse, etc.

Then this song came on...



It wasn't so much the first bit of the song that made me kinda sit back and go, "huh." Read the last bit of the lyrics.

I need words
As wide as sky
I need language large as
This longing inside
And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
And I need a song to sing You
That I've yet to find
I need You,
Oh, I need You
I need You,
Oh, I need You
To be here now
To be here now
To hear me now
To hear me now

At that moment, to me, this wasn't my song to the Lord... Maybe it's God's song to me.

The song called me, first and foremost, to be here now.

It says in the Bible that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, etc. Dwelling in the Spirit will give birth to the fruit of the Spirit.

As we are here in His presence, let's hear His calling for us.

Ephesians 4 says:

"I... urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintaining the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."

I think this is a good wake-up call for me.

And maybe this is for you as well. Maybe not in the same way as me... but how many of y'all struggle as I do with patience. Or gentleness in certain situations. Are we inclined to love those who are annoying? Or do we just "put up with them" because it's the societal norm?

I urge all y'all who read this. I'm not saying that it'll be easy. But let's be in His presence, and as we hear His call, let's live life walking in a manner worthy of the calling.

By the way, as the last bit of the song came on, my hearing was back to normal.

"We are often drawn away from obedience by the abuse of grace... We abuse grace when we think we can sin and then receive forgiveness by claiming 1 John 1:9. We abuse grace when, after sinning, we dwell on the compassion and mercy of God to the exclusion of His holiness and hatred of sin."

Whoa.

So I had a roommate who is OBSESSED with keeping the lights off in the room. At times, even though I am doing homework and need lights on, he'll just switch the lights off.

It never ceased to amaze me this odd and incessant need to have the lights off. I asked him one time why he always wants to have the lights off. He replied, "I dunno. I just like it. It's for mood."

And I just sat back and couldn't help but be puzzled at the parallel between this situation and how a lot of people live life. So many people choose to live in darkness. People choose to be held captive to the sin because it feels good. They just like it. They choose to give into their sinful nature.

It's a good reminder that these people are the ones that we are called to minister to. Those people who live among us... and still actively choose to live in the darkness.

There was a song that we did on my FT year with CTI titled "God of Justice." And like that song calls us to do, I encourage y'all. Walk humbly. Love mercy.

"Holiness, then, is not necessary as a condition of salvation- that would be salvation by works- but as a part of salvation- that is received by faith in Christ"
-The Pursuit of Holiness by Jerry Bridges

I wanna go back.

Revelation 2:1-7:

¹"To the angel of the church in Ephesus write:
These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands: ²I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. ³You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. ⁴Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. ⁵Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place. ⁶But you have this in your favor: You hate the practices of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate. ⁷He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God."

When a specific passage comes up multiple times in a day, I can't just sit there and think it's by random chance. This is the passage that kept coming up for me today.

Is this a wakeup call for me? A warning against my ever-growing callousness to the AoG doctrine my school tries to push on me?

Maybe I need to stop worrying about what the preacher is saying and focus more on the one he's preaching about.

Maybe in my heart, I need to go back to where I was when I wasn't wrapped up comparing their theology against my beliefs.

Maybe in my mind I need to stop whining about that one frequency on the female vocals that makes my ear drums rattle and instead, meditate on the words.

Maybe I need to remember what it was like when I was so on fire for Jesus. When I was satisfied with even an obscure bit of scripture and could sit and meditate on it without feeling bothered. Where I could listen to and sing the same song over and over again for hours because the words, "Here I am to worship" welled up deep inside my soul. Where my legs falling asleep didn't hinder me from prayer. I see, "the heights from where I've fallen."

I wanna go back.

I was reflecting a lot on a bit of the Lord's Prayer. the part where it says, "forgive our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us."

I was recently robbed and I remember feeling extremely violated when I found out. Not necessarily angry, but just irritated that it happened.

I also remember having to tell my parents what happened too. They came to pick me up at school during the weekend after having worked all day. My mom could see something was bothering me and asked what was going on. I remember having to tell them, "Do you remember the money you worked all week for? How the money that you made in the only small business transaction from that week was then given to me? Well, in one swift act of injustice, someone stole it from me." Essentially, telling them they worked all week for nothing.

Seeing the defeat on my parent's faces, the tears flowing, them realizing and knowing that they had worked so hard and it essentially amounted to nothing. It was one of the the hardest things I've ever had to do.

That's when I began to start being more irritated. Not only did the thief's actions hinder me from buying some textbooks, their actions affected my parents too.

I came back on campus after the weekend had passed, reported it to campus security and my dorm RA and RD, and was told that there was nothing that could realistically, practically, be done... in the grand scheme of things, it's just money.

That's when things just clicked and I became angry. Not just at the situation, but that someone would violate me like that. That someone would not give any thought to my situation and just seek to serve their own needs and desires by going into my wallet and taking all my money. The callousness of the school administration made me mad too. I was thinking, "why are they not doing anything and everything to find out who did it?"

But then I had a thought.

Am I so different? Maybe not in the sense that I'm going around murdering or robbing people. But when I'm looking at that one disruptive student who goes out of their way to prove to everyone that they're a BA... looking at them and judging them and their behavior. Or when I speak in a harsh tone to someone when I'm annoyed with them. I'm definitely robbing them of their dignity, no? That stung me.

Am I so different from the person who robbed me? Am I truly entitled to justice and swift actions taken by the school to find the perpetrator?

That stung me too. Not only did I realize that I was expecting the school to do what made me irritated in the first place; that I did not give any thought to their situation and just seek to serve my own needs and desires... But also, my struggle with entitlement was back. ugh.

I think it's interesting that when Jesus was teaching us how to pray, he taught and reminded us of this important thing... to call on Him to forgive our sins.

There's an old song that I used to sing in Sunday school and stuff back in the day. It's from the 80's. Talk about throwback. haha.

I am a new creation
No more in condemnation
Here in the grace of God I stand
My heart is overflowing
My love just keeps on growing
Here in the grace of God I stand

And I will praise You Lord
Yes, I will praise You Lord
And I will sing of all that You have done

A joy that knows no limit
A lightness in my spirit
Here in the grace of God I stand


Anyone remember this song? Yes, there are certainly truths in this song. But should it end there? With just knowing that we're standing by the grace of God?

Someone should write a second verse to this song.

I wonder why it's so easy for us to examine our own hearts (or maybe it's not... but you get the point) and see that we are in need for a savior... but so hard for us to see that we're not alone in needing Jesus? Where's our compassion to our brothers and sisters who are just as sinful as us. Why is it so easy to look at their actions and judge them or condemn... but why is it so easy for us to look at our actions and know that we need Jesus?

Knowing that you need Jesus is good. Don't get me wrong. But why do we hoard this truth? Why do we make the freedom Jesus offers just about our own morality? If we're so irritated at the world and it's brokenness... and all the injustices that the people of this fallen world pushes on you, why aren't we doing something about it?

Jesus also calls us to do the same. To forgive those who sin against us.

Let's be Christians. Little Christs.

Recently, a friend of mine told me that he just told his girlfriend about about some mistakes he had made and what his lifestyle was like prior to them dating. He said when he told her, the relationship made a turn for the worse. He said that she was just so hurt when he told her what he had done and she could no longer trust him. And he said that telling her that was one of the hardest things he had to do and couldn't deal with the fact that his past actions is hurting her. All he could say is, "Man, I'm so sorry for doing that. It hurts me seeing that what I did is hurting her."

It made me wonder... do we feel the same way when we sin against God? Are we truly hurting inside when we know that we are turning away from our Lord? Why is it that Christians can say all the time that, "Christianity isn't a religion, it's a relationship"... but not treat is as such?

Thank the Lord that He still pursues us.



John Mark McMillan writes of this love so well in this song... it's been done by a few artists now.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

Pre-Chorus:
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Chorus 1:
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Verse 2:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Isn't it amazing the depths of the love our God has for us?

Hope you're having a fantastical day.

I just had a disturbing dream and I can't fall back asleep because every time I close my eyes, that image keeps coming back.

This is what I see.

I see a dark room. All I hear is weeping. As I look around to find what is going on, I look to the corner to find my dad weeping uncontrollably. When I ask him what is going on, he can't respond because he is so overwhelmed with despair and helplessness. Out of a sheer discomfort, I went out of the room to see if maybe someone could talk to him and no matter how far I went, I couldn't find anyone.

Back in March, my dad lost both his brother and his father in sudden and unforeseeable situations. And the first time he's mentioned anything of his emotions in regards to what happened was last week. And it was just very brief. I conveyed to my dad my frustration that he had gone through such a significant emotional trauma and he hasn't mentioned one word about how he feels to anyone. Not only is he dealing with the loss of 2 family members, there's a whole lot of family drama that was stirred up with the passing of my grandfather. From what I hear, he's essentially been outcast from the family.

In that dream, I saw my dad as a broken man. Now, being Korean, it's hard for me to imagine any Korean father breaking down. But in this dream, it wasn't just any Korean father... it was mine. Now bear in mind I've never actually seen my dad break down. Never, in my 24 years on this earth so far, have I seen my dad break down. I've only heard it once, when I asked him if my grandfather had indeed passed away, but he quickly regained composure and told me not to worry, asked me to stay strong in ministering with CTI, and assured me that everything would be fine.

I wrote in an earlier blog post that one of the images that I had when I was deciding whether or not to do CTI was of people who I saw as harassed and helpless.

And tonight, that image is etched into my mind. It was like watching 9-11 unfold. Or a really bad car accident. It bothered me so much to the point where I can't fall back asleep. I felt like throwing up. I cried for the first time in a long time.

And the sad thing is, that it's not just in my dreams... but this is very much a reality for my dad. I can't just switch it off and shake the image out.

And maybe this is how you feel at times too. Maybe you feel like you're trapped in a dark room and all you can do is weep and weep with no hope for anyone to console you.

But.

I encourage you to look to the one who knows what you're going through.

There's a Phil Wickham song titled "True Love". It's a very simple song, yet so packed with the truths of the Gospel.



Come close listen to the story
About a love more faithful than the morning
The Father gave His only Son just to save us

The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Fathers Broken Heart
Tears were filling Heaven's Eyes
The day that True Love died, the day that True Love died

When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that True Love died, The day that True Love died

Search your heart you know you can't deny it
Come on, lose your life just so you can find it
The Father gave His only Son just to save us

Now, Jesus is alive

Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Oh, He is alive
He rose again

Come close listen to the story.

Our Father God knows what you're going through. He knows your hurts, your deepest, darkest, most painful thing. It's the result of sin and a fallen world. And in the greatest moment of redemption, He felt pain as well. But it doesn't stop there. Jesus rose again. THIS is why we can have hope.

Call to Him in your times of need, pain, struggle.

As a church, we are called to bring this message to all we see.

And we are also called to bear one another's burdens.

You'd think that at a church that drives home the importance of community, that my dad would at least have 1 person to trust and talk to. But the sad fact, at least for my dad, is that he feels like he has no one. Not even the pastor.

He's been so scarred by everyone; both fellow church people and EVEN his OWN FAMILY. So much to the point where he can't trust anyone to share his burdens. He internalizes it and it drives him to do unthinkable things. He is consumed with feelings of inadequacy and so he can't eat or sleep. He has to keep his mind off of things so he keeps busy by working. He is quite literally working himself to death. And yet, as he works, he is surrounded by the very thing that people use to mark him as a failure. And while he tries to stay strong, there are times where I can tell that those lies have crept into his mind and heart.

Friends, it PAINS me to see my dad in that state. I don't want to see y'all like this as well. If there is something. Anything. That you, the reader, is going through, and you feel comfortable sharing it with me, please let me know. I'll be praying most certainly.

And if there are people in your life who you know are feeling this way, let's do the same. Let's bear one another's burdens.

A random thought...

With all the hubbub that was raised with the proposed Quran burning in Gainesville, I wonder why everyone reacted the way they did exactly. Not to say that they shouldn't have, because the whole thing was just wrong. But I wonder what their motives for their reactions were.

Did everyone react the way they did because they felt like the pastor was a bad example of a Christian? Was it out of fear that non-believers would say, "Christians are bad. Look at that dude who wanted to burn the Quran. What kind of Christian would do such a thing?" Was it because they felt like the world would view Christians as bad, immoral people and use that as an example to prove their point?

I know one of the top generals for the US military pleaded with the pastor not to go through with it because he thought doing so would elevate violence in the region and would put more soldiers at risk. I wonder if a lot of people were so different in their thinking. Not so much that we would be put in situations where we would need to worry about more insurgent attacks or IEDs... but worry that we would be "attacked" for the actions of a misguided pastor.

Or did everyone react the way they did because they felt like the pastor was reflecting Christ poorly? Did everyone react the way they did because those actions do not show the love of Christ?

Thoughts anyone?

During mealtime these last few days, I've just taken some extra time to observe people in the dining hall. A lot of my pet peeves actually are related to manners when it comes to dining... things like chewing with the mouth open, shaking the leg which also shakes the table, etc. So it's actually funny that I chose to observe people in a setting that could potentially make me the most frustrated. It's amazing to see how people act in social settings. The thing that captivated my attention the most wasn't those people who were loud and having a good time... but it was the people who got their food and looked around to see where they could sit... and then realized that they would have to sit alone because they couldn't see anyone they recognized or wanted to socialize with.

It's also really interesting to see how they rectify their social problem. I remember one time I was eating lunch and this one guy from my dorm hall, who I had only briefly met, asked if he could join me in eating lunch because he didn't want to eat alone. To him, an awkward meal with someone else was infinitely better than a meal eaten alone.

It's amazing to see what the need for friends will drive people to do.

"There is a love that goes deeper than the depths of the ocean. There is a power that conquers death. There is a friendship that is deeper than words can express.

The friendship built on these will never fail, even if all hell attacks it. I want a friendship built solidly on the Rock of Jesus Christ, and on nothing else. That is a friendship that will survive against all odds."

A friend of mine posted this. And you know, I think she's onto something.

I've started school again in a new setting, being away (most of the week) from the things I know to be familiar. And one of the things that I miss the most are the people who I got to know with my time with CTI... brothers and sisters who I've had the privilege of walking along side in faith for a year of my life. I've been craving that community almost every day. And thankfully, through the magic of technology (and the small miracle that is me understanding how to actually use it without it imploding from my lack of understanding), I've been able to maintain that sense of community to a certain extent. It's certainly not the same... but it's been good. At least I feel like it has been.

And then I think of the friendships from long ago. I think to the friends I had at one point in time, but no longer can seem to maintain. And even though I'm the type of person who desires friendships to be deep and will pursue that, I find that those friendships just aren't. what. they used to be. simply because we can't even agree on the basics of faith.

There's a piece of scripture that's been coming up a lot lately. I love what it calls us to do. Hebrews 10 says:

19Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, 20by the new and living way that He opened for us through the curtain, that is, through His flesh, 21and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. 23Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. 24And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. (ESV)

I love all y'all. Thanks for not just being a part of my life, but helping me draw closer to Christ.

Hope everyone had a good Labor Day weekend. Pardon the fragmented nature of this blog post.

I was thinking these last few days about how I managed to ruin some things because I let my personal desires get in the way. Actually, a lot of things. Friendships. Working relationships. Even my educational path.

What a sad way to spend my time, right? Regretting things and wondering, "What could have been" because at the time, I did ask, "What can this be if I were to do this or that?" and acted on that. And after much thought, I came to the conclusion that I was totally an idiot. I came to the conclusion that deep down, I felt like I needed to control the situation and just acted.

Maybe some of y'all who read this are experiencing what I went through. Maybe things just aren't going the way that you thought they would. Finances. Friendships. And everything in you is screaming, "DO SOMETHING! YOU'RE KILLING ME SMALLS." Whatever. But just take a moment. Relax.

There's a song by Hillsong titled "Second Chance". Listen to it and read along with the lyrics.

You called my name, reached out your hand,
Restored my life, and I was redeemed,
The moment you entered my life,
Amazing grace, Christ gave that day,
My life was changed,
Went from my shoulders, fell the weight of my sin

So it's with everything I am,
I reach out for your hand,
The hope that changed a second chance I've gained,
On you I throw my life, casting all my fears aside,
How could greater love than this, ever possibly exist

Consume my thoughts, as I rest in you, I'm now in love, with a Saviour, Bearing the marks of his love

So I wait upon you now,
With my hands released to you,
Where a little faiths enough,
To see mountains lift and move,
Yeah and I wait upon you now,
Dedicated to your will,
To this love that will remain,
A love that never fails

It says in the book of Matthew, "Seek FIRST the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

I think in all those situations that I somewhat regret, I wasn't seeking His kingdom, His righteousness. Rather, I think I was satisfying a desire to make things better.

It's interesting that the section heading in my bible says, "Do not be anxious" I don't think I was being anxious about the things... rather, I suppose I wasn't willing to see the big picture. Or maybe that IS being anxious... not waiting to see everything unfold in His time.

The word says that God provides the birds of the air with everything. The flowers of the field. Jesus provided EVERYTHING we would need, no? Our eternal salvation. And I think we often times forget to remember that ultimately, that's what we need. When we don't seek His face, seek His kingdom, His righteousness, we lose sight of the importance of what Jesus did.

I was so wrapped up in seeing if I could make things work out to provide a better (honestly speaking, easier, more comfortable) situation for myself, that I had a momentary lapse in realizing that the Lord had already provided everything I would need.

I think in order to seek the kingdom, you need to start by realizing that there is a King. If you don't recognize or know that there is a king, how do you know that the king reigns over a kingdom? Know our King Jesus. And realize what He did for us. Receive the grace that the Lord has poured out.

Also, accept the forgiveness that He offers through the cross.

Let's strive to remember our Lord for what He has done. Seek Him daily. Give thanks to Him. Rest in His presence.

Thank you Father.

These past couple weeks, I had an opportunity to think a lot about different things. One of the things that kept coming up was in response to a sermon on Matthew 9.

"When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, 'The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.' And he called to him his twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every disease and every affliction."

I kept thinking about the first bit... how Jesus had compassion for the crowds because He saw them as harassed and helpless.

I got to thinking exactly why I decided to do a FT year with CTI. As I was listening to this sermon and as I kept reflecting on that bit of the passage, it was then that I remembered why I wanted to do FT specifically.

I thought about who I saw as harassed and helpless. I thought back to the outreach trips to Tampa I took. There were so many times when I was there where it just didn't sit right with me. It wasn't that I was in a dangerous part of the country. It wasn't the time where some guy pulled a knife out on me. I remember thinking, "This place is only an hour and a half from home. There are families here who are torn apart by addictions to drugs, greed, lust, alcohol abuse. The neglect of the state when it comes to the education of the students who live there. Why is it that the people here know there's something more but have lost hope in something better? How is there such brokenness this close to the town I live in?" I then brought it back some, thinking of everything going on around in my life. Seeing the brokenness in my family. The bitterness of family drama plaguing my dad, weighing heavily on his heart, so much to the point where he couldn't eat or sleep and had to occupy himself with doing something. Literally working himself to death.

I remember looking at the CTI website and looking at the difference between the two programs they offer... and I recall seeing that if I were to join a full time team, we'd have the chance to go around the US. And I remember all of those faces and emotions just came flooding in. I remember being so bothered by the fact that there's so much brokenness right here in our country.

There's a song that the new wave of FTers for CTI are doing. It's by Luminate, titled Shine (Love is an Action).



I want to strike a match
Let it burn ‘til the world’s on fire
I want to see a chain reaction
And see the flames burn higher
I want to see Your Word alive I want to see the orphans laughing
Want to see the sinners cry Surrounded by the hands of mercy
The hands of mercy, so

Shine, love is an action
Shine, oh, it starts with a passion
‘Cause we want to be a heart that’s pure
So all will see that we are Yours
Shine

And though it starts with one
There will be a million candles
There will be millions more
Singing with the tongues of angels
The light of Heaven falling down Spreading love to the darkest places
I want to strike a match And watch it bring salvation
I’m gonna lift my light up high

(Love is an action)
I’m gonna let my love burn bright
(It starts with a passion)

I’m gonna lift my light up high
(So all will see that we are Yours)

I’m gonna let my love burn bright
(Let it burn, let it burn)

I want to strike a match
Let it burn, Let it burn
I’ll let it burn

I remember wanting to go out and minister to those who I thought were harassed and helpless. And the Lord provided those opportunities to do that through CTI.

Who in your life do you see as harassed and helpless? Do you want to see the word alive? Let's be the hands of mercy to these people.

What does that look like in your life? Maybe bearing with the awkwardness as you sit with the lonely person during lunch. Or just listening to what people are going through and speaking truth into their life. Maybe that means giving to missionaries so their work can be done.

In all things, pray earnestly to the Lord. Be filled by the Lord.

Hope y'all are doing great!

A few weeks ago, I came across a band called Gungor. They had a pretty interesting concept for leading worship. In any case, I heard this song, kinda forgot about it because I didn't buy the album. But then I heard this song again last night at my school's back to school worship event.



Gungor- Beautiful Things.

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

Honestly, I've felt crappy these last few days. Thinking back to some of the things, some of the ways where things went wrong in the past, things recent, all really piled on top and made me feel super awful inside. These things, feelings of inadequacy, failure, all of that, crept in again. Thank the Lord that HE restores. That HE makes all things beautiful.

And it's a struggle to understand this at times. But I think that fixating on the fact that maybe my failures are just too much is in actuality indicative of a heart that doesn't fully believe in the saving power of Jesus. Maybe. I need to just get over my self-righteousness.

Blah.

When I shared with a friend of mine that I had a lot of distractions, all of these things on my mind, they told me to let it go. "What other choice do you have..."

Thank YOU Jesus. That you saw me. That you saw US. Our sins. Our struggles. And yet loved so much to give it all. Help us to remember that YOU are all that is needed.

it's been a month?

hello all who read this blog.

So a month has already passed by since my last official day with CTI Music Ministries as a Full-time team member. Since then, the Lord's been revealing Himself to me in many ways. Even in the times of struggle and hardship, it's unmistakable that He is moving.

This past week, I had an opportunity to attend the Harvest retreat, put on by Servant's Ministry in Virginia. LOTS of crazy stuff happened during times of sharing, prayer, preaching of the word, and worship. I think the Lord's shown me a lot, not necessarily in a crazy, miraculous way like some of the students experienced, but in very odd, subtle ways.

One of the things that the Lord revealed was through the Washington Monument in D.C. There's a lot to say about this monument... but this kinda caught my eye. "Upon completion (officially opened in 1888), it became the world's tallest structure. The monument held this designation until 1889, when the Eiffel Tower was completed in Paris, France"


So this monument was the standard of excellence for about a year. It's not even that great... the original proposed plot of land wasn't good enough and so they ended up putting it where it is, they ran out of money to build it and then couldn't get marble from the same quarry so the color is a little off. They also spent tons of money for an aluminum tip for it. But then the price for aluminum had plummeted two years later because a new way to process it was discovered. And this was before the monument was officially opened to the public.

So, imagine my surprise when the group of 7 other guys I was with would do everything to go see this monument. Here are some of the events that had occurred previously in the day and the day before:

• a few of us were sick with some cold or stomach flu.
• we had JUST finished a retreat, where we averaged about 4-5 hours of sleep a night.
• this was after a 16 hour drive from Florida to Virginia.
  
• we were dehydrated
• we ate to our heart's delight (and our stomach) the night before at a Korean meat buffet. imagine how college students take advantage of buffets. and how lack of bathrooms might make things. um. unpleasant.
  
• we had walked all around DC, non-stop, hitting up every monument and museum we could come across, from lunchtime around dinnertime.
  

So with all of that having happened, imagine what was running through my head when I heard stuff like:

• "I know we're tired and don't wanna walk more. but I'm willing to pay for bus fare. and I'll pay for you if you don't have cash"
• "Even though we're in DC and there's all this new, delicious food around, I'd rather eat somewhere really cheap and fast like McDonald's so we can go see it(the monuments) and leave on time for Orlando"

We eventually decided on walking from the restaurant we ate dinner to the Washington Monument, and then walking to the Lincoln Memorial as well. more walking.

So when we got to the memorial... this discolored, marble obelisk, shining high above the skyline of our nation's capitol, a feat of engineering that was at one point in time, great, now obsolete... imagine my surprise at the expressions of sheer joy on these guy's faces. "We're here! OMG! I can't believe we made it. Quick! Let's take pictures so we can remember this moment for years to come"

And as we took these pictures that are on this blog post (picture credits to Albert Kang), laughed, had a good time, took a minute to look back at the obscene amounts of miles we walked to get where we were, wipe the sweat from our brows, one question kept ringing in my head.

This sort of desire to see something. To experience something. To touch, taste, smell, etc. I see this all the time. Look around. People pay thousands of dollars to experience things as trivial as the best jello ever. People will work themselves to the bone to get that shiny new car. Or house. But why not when it comes to seeking the presence of the Lord?

There's another thing like the Washington Monument. An old Roman torture device, a couple pieces of blood-stained lumber.

When Christ died, the world viewed this as a huge utter failure. But that's not where the story ends, right? Christ defeated death and rose from the grave. The answer to life's problems... all out of an act of love for us.

I thought to myself, "When was the last time we approached the foot of the cross this way? And why does the mercy and grace of Jesus NOT MOVE people to loving action each and every day? Why is it that the only time we strive to see Christ is at spiritual functions like church services. or retreats. or small group meetings?"

"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. " (1 Cor 1:18)

Friends, I want to encourage us to continue to go before the foot of the cross. Let's PURSUE after Christ, our first love, much like we are inclined to pursue after other things. And let's not stop there. Let's not forsake our first love for the things of this world. But let's seek after Him first.

Last week, I experienced something that was so frightening, that I just felt compelled to share with y'all what I learned.

Last week, in Sioux Falls, SD, I sat down and took a nap shortly after we had arrived. I LOOOOVVVVEEE taking naps. Nothing gets me feeling more refreshed, except maybe some gold bond and a cold shower on a hot Florida day. Anyways, as I was taking this nap, I remember regaining consciousness and thinking, "wow, this chair I'm sleeping on is really comfortable. Wait, why is everything getting so loud?" I remember trying to open my eyes to see what was going on... and to my surprise, I couldn't open them. And in a sheer panic, I remember trying to move my arms and legs, and not being able to. And during this time, things were getting louder and louder, and I remember bright colors and flashes of light. And upon realizing that I had no control over that, I remember trying to yell for help to my teammates... and being completely helpless. All I was able to do was hyperventilate.

I knew what had happened. In Korean, it's called 가위눌림 (gawee nuleem), which literally translates to "being pressed down with scissors." I don't know why it's called that, but it's known as sleep paralysis in the states.

So why do I bring up this horrific event? I bring this up because I've come to realized that this is how we can live our lives sometimes. See, the entire time I was dealing with this sleep paralysis, not once did I think to pray for help. Not once did I think to ask Almighty God, who made me, to help me regain control over my bodily functions. The entire time, I was going, "maybe if I try real hard, I can open my eyes." Or, "my teammates are sitting around me... they'll see that I'm struggling and they'll do something to get me conscious." I was trying to do all I could do, despite the fact that the reason why this was happening was because I didn't have control over it all.

And so often, we do that with our struggles, right? I've realized that in the midst of struggles, often times, God is the last one we turn to. We try and try to do things on our terms... and when nothing ever seems to work, we almost have this attitude of, "everything else has failed, what have I got to lose by asking God?" But we try to justify it and say, "I'm doing the Christian thing... I'm depending on God to do mighty things." And eventually we present our requests to God. And then when God DOES move in ways unimaginable to us, we always act surprised... don't we?

I know that in times of struggles it's so easy to get carried away with being anxious. And a lot of us on this team experience this right now as we are looking to the future after CTI. And often times, it's so easy to get frustrated at the situation... for me, it was frustrating to know that I was completely helpless and couldn't move. And I tried EVERYTHING in MY power to try and get my body to respond. And I started to grumble. I was asking why this was happening.

Maybe this is similar to what's going on in your lives. Maybe there's a hard situation at home. Or maybe at work. Maybe money is tight because of some unforseen events. Health problems. Fill in the blanks. And we try so hard to do things on our own terms. And then after we try to do things and come to the realization that we are absolutely helpless to make it work out, we get so angry at God sometimes, asking, "why is this happening?" So often, we can't see past our own pridefulness to see a God who is so mighty and is ready to move in our lives. Don't we try so hard to make things happen because we feel so equipped and ready to do it on our own?

Friends, I want to encourage you to take the example written in Philippians 4.

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God (ESV)

Paul says, do not be anxious. He calls us to have attitudes of thankfulness and to go before our God in prayer.

My pastor back home continually reminds us that prayer is so vital. He says, "until we see that life is war, we will not know what prayer is for." Friends, life is war... and so often, we're pinned down and helpless to do anything. And we HAVE to pray to our God. He is ALWAYS listening and will do anything and everything to let HIS glory be known. And if we come before Him and expect Him to move in big ways, He will never fail us.

It's so easy to pick on all the things that aren't going well in our lives. But, instead of looking at the things that aren't going as we planned, let's focus on the times that we were helpless and God moved in mighty ways. And as we reflect on those moment, give thanks for those times and give all the glory, honor, and praise back to Him. Because our God is a God who is mighty to save! This is our God!

So I hope this encourages y'all!

Please keep us in your prayers... we only have 5 or so days left together and then summer ministry will start! We're all excited to see how God will move in the lives of the incoming summer team members.

Until next time. Cheers,
Jon

Hey y'all.

So last week on our drive up to Northern Virginia, we were involved in a small accident. Luckily, everyone was safe and unharmed and there were no other cars involved. What happened was, the driver had slightly lost control of the vehicle and ended up hitting a guard rail. It wasn't due to the weather or anything. How that happened isn't really important.

Thankfully, our van still runs. The damage to the van is all cosmetic. The majority of the hit was taken by our trailer. The hit had bent the axle, ruptured the hubs, and the wheels were sitting unevenly. The fender also bent in and tore a gash in the sidewall of the tire and bent the wheel slightly.



Reflecting back on those few seconds, and looking back at the scene of the accident and all that occurred between the collision to our brief trek to a nearby rest stop, and the eventual fixing of our trailer, got me thinking about a few things. Actually, more like reminded of a few things.

I think the major thing is the simple fact that nothing in life is guaranteed. So many times, we take the frailty of life lightly. If we had gone another 200 or so yards, we could have easily ended up in a ditch. The guard rail we hit was pretty randomly placed and very short. This was a well needed wake up call I think.

Going off on a tangent, as I'm going through the process of praying about and thinking of my next steps in life after CTI is over, there are so many times where I just automatically assume that I'll have that time. And, sadly, this process of thinking ahead, worrying about it, and feeling extremely stressed and pressured by everyone, has made me neglect the task at hand. There have been so many times where I'll be asked by a host family, "What are you planning on doing after CTI?" and I just respond, "I have no idea." and stress out about it for days on end. And because I'm focusing on that, I can't give the minstry opportunities at hand my 100%. And so many times, I reflect back on those few days, and justify that by saying, "oh there's still a few more months of ministry left." Isn't that sad? Thinking about that kinda makes me sad. I can't help but think, "what if, during those few days, where I said it was ok to not focus completely on the task God has given, someone didn't get a chance to hear the message of Christ?"

Now I know that someone's salvation doesn't hinge on the gospel according to Jon Lee. And I know that God doesn't NEED to use me in this way. Quite honestly, it's still hard for me to fully comprehend the depths of the love and grace that God pours out. It's like... everything we do is flawed. And yet, God delights in that... as long as we respond to the call. God reminded me, and continues to remind me that I shouldn't focus on being perfect in my service... but that I should focus on serving the perfect God. But does the justification of my lack of enthusiasm or focus stem from my simple inability to do things right? No. Friends, I know this stems from a heart of entitlement. This thing that I've been battling from the start, and even before, full-time ministry. And I need to shed this nasty heart. It's almost like, I'm demanding God to give me clarity with the next steps in life because I'm currently doing what He called me to do. But I'm forgetting the fact that I'm only doing what I'm doing BECAUSE He made it possible. It wasn't by anything that I did. Going back to the first point, nothing is guaranteed.

Which, I guess, brings me to the next thing. The next thing is just the fact that God has a plan for everything. I dunno why this accident happened. I don't know what's next in store for me. I don't even know why I'm spilling some of my deepest struggles for everyone to see. Or just those 2 who happen to read this. (does anyone actually read this?) Or why I'm having these struggles that I'm writing about. But I think it goes to show that things may not always make sense, but in His time, all will unfold in a bizarre, surreal, and beautiful way. I don't know what I'll be doing. But, I know that God has a plan for everything and in His time, everything will work out and I'm sure that I'll look back and say in the words of Jon Foreman, "Why do I worry? Why do I freak out?"

So, friends. As y'all have walked beside me these last few months, and for those of you who have been following me via this blog, I want to leave you with these thoughts.

Please continue to pray for us as we're continuing to meet new people and spreading the Word as we travel.

Until next time. Cheers,
Jon

Hey y'all. Sorry it's been quite a while since the last update. Well, winter tour is well on it's way... about 4 weeks in now. We started out with a pretty long drive from MN to Illinois, where we battled all sorts of issues from black ice, extreme temps, overturned cars and tractor trailers (14 cars and the tractor trailer in ditches in our short drive through Wisconsin), and having to shift weight from the back of the trailer to the front of it and the back of the van to get enough traction. We spend a few days in Illinois, drove over to Nashville and spent a few days there, then made our way to Columbus, GA. And then we were able to drive back to Florida we've been to multiple towns including Panama City, Ft. Myers, Ft. Lauderdale, Orlando, and West Palm Beach. God has definitely shown us heaps of things in our short time here in the sunshine state..

so we went from this...


to this.


One of the things that we had a chance to do was just sit on the beach and marvel at God's creation after having a blast with the SOY group from Hurlburt Field AFB's youth retreat. Not only did we get to see God's creation in full splendor, we got to see what it means to give everything you have to further the kingdom of God, no matter what circumstances life throws at you. So our hosts at Hurlburt Field AFB, Cope and Sue, literally gave everything they have in order to invest in the lives of their students and in our lives as well for the short time we were there... their time, finances, life stories and experiences. Nothing was too much for them and they always did it with a joyful heart. And their love for their students definitely poured out and overflowed and the culture of their YG became much the same as how they lived out their lives. They weren't shy about sharing their pains and hurts and asking their students to lift them up in prayer... and their students weren't worried about what others thought about them or anything like that if they were to share their struggles. Thanks guys!

The other thing I experienced was the surreal experience of having two worlds collide. This past Friday, we had the opportunity to play at my home church. And it was great!


People from both Harvest and Vision Church were led in worship by the team. And while the whole experience of being back home, looking out into the congregation and seeing familiar faces, and looking around and seeing team 14:22, was odd, it was good to have an opportunity to share the mission and goals of CTI with my home church and to tell them a little bit about what we've been up to. And it was great to see that it didn't matter how different everyone was... we got a little glimpse of heaven that night. It didn't matter what language we spoke, what stage of life we were in... we all worshipped the God who deserves all of our worship. And no language barrier, power outage, and awkward pauses between sentences in explanations of experiences had so far, kept us from worshipping God. And what brought us together wasn't the fact that I attend Harvest or the fact that we happened to have a venue there, but it was the love of Christ that brought us together. And it was good to see and be reminded of the fact that there are people back home rooting for us and praying for us.


So thanks for everything family at Harvest!

We'll be in Florida for a little while longer and then we'll be heading north in the next few days. Thank you so much for your prayers and support!! We really couldn’t be doing this without you lifting us up in prayer!! Here are a couple more prayer requests for the following weeks:

• Safety as we travel (we’ve got some gnarly drives coming up... and we'll be heading up towards the snowy bits of the country as well as back up to Ontario.)

• Servant hearts (that we would continue to want the Lord to work mightily in us and through us)

• The hearts of people that we meet (that the Lord would be working even now in their hearts... that they’ll be ready to hear the message that He has for them)

• Health. It seems like someone on the team has something that they're dealing with health-wise. Pray for strength and health as we travel.
  

• financial support. Thankfully, I'm almost halfway there! Praise God for that. I still need to raise a big bulk of the $12,000 though. If you feel led to support in this way, or have questions, feel free to contact me and I'll do my best to help ya out.
  
  Thank you again for all your support!!

btw... Photo props to Isaac Lee (jakleephotography.blogspot.com) and Sue Copeland. Thanks y'all. Until next time.

Cheers,
Jon